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STILL
HERE AND BREATHING . |
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Hello once again from the wonderful world of Nongkhai ,
the place everyone wants to be . This month we
here in Hat Kham have been busy . Going on holiday ,
fishing, swimming, cooking, gardening, and generally
having lots of fun . As one does. God is yet to come for
me ( the big weirdy bearded power crazed knob jockey
that he isn't) And I continue my reading of the great
book . ( No Jeffrey Archer page turner I can tell you ).
This month looking at Exodus. Or Gods obsession with
unleavened bread and tabernacles and how the Jews
justify taking the holy land from its original
inhabitants as it can be known.
The Olympics came and
went and the crackdown on any mischief makers was so
good that the authorities were reduced to locking up
septuagenarians in their slave camps , for the terrible
crime of applying to protest in one of the designated
public enclosures which were set up for just such a purpose.
Apparently the Commies saw the lack of applications as
surety that no one wanted to protest. But made sure they
locked up anyone applying. Gotta love that
Commie logic. Anyway , just to show their soft side to the
world , the courts overturned the sentences and let them
go. AWWWWW. See ......give them the Olympics and suddenly they
are just a bunch of teddy bears. Whats that
??? Ooooh sorry they just like to eat the teddy
bears.....I see . What , penises and everything.!!!
Oh well . Mmmm |
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always pleases me when I get a response to my ramblings. I
think I'd do it even if I knew nobody listened but its
definitely better that people do. 950 visitors so far have
logged on to the site , so apart from those looking for the
Mut Mee or news on flooding that found me accidentally , I'd
like to thank my Mum for reading it so many times. And on
that note I'd like to point out that Geoff ( my father )
also reads it and was disgruntled that my mother got all the
mentions , so THANKS TO GEOFF TOO . They must have read it
450 times each .
The most common comment is
that people say I portray an idyllic life here in Thailand
and I have been mulling it over as it doesn't seem quite
right to me. Almost as if I were cheating all the people who
trudge to work in the cold dark wind back home , perhaps
imagining me being fed peeled grapes in my hammock.
Truth is Thailand , like anywhere , has its good and bad
points. I have been here now for 7 months and really am just
getting over the initial culture shock and
establishing my home and place in this very different
society. There are a lot of things to get used to.
The heat and humidity for one . My kitchen background
helps in that I'm used to sweating all day anyway but the
humidity here is altogether another matter. The sunlight too
is near direct , being so near the equator , and its often the
case that its just too sunny to go outside without wearing
protective armour or frying. Yeah yeah , I can hear you all
in Scotland saying boo hoo to me , all that sun , but
there you go . Then there's the language barrier . I had
thought I'd pick up Thai easily , what with all this time on
my hands etc , but I find myself barely able to utter
anything useful. This is part laziness and refusal I think
and partly because my brain is still coming to terms with
the wholly different sounds made, it is unable to picture
them and so memorise them. |
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Thailand is a country of
contradictions and extremes. The people are supposedly
Buddhist but most show a disregard of his teachings, ( even
the real basics like don't be greedy) The polite are extremely so and
the rude too. People have an obsession with personal hygiene
, but are happy to live in a rubbish tip. The rich are known as Super rich , and the
poor really are just that, living shanty by condo in the
city and often in a shack in the field up here too. The food
is intense in its flavours, big flavours,. Chilli,
lemongrass, lime, chilli, fish sauce, pickled
fish etc all livened up with some sugar and MSG. Just to
really ram home the taste. People seem to be at once
generous within their permitted circles and selfish beyond
belief at other times. The weather is extreme too . Its
either really hot, really wet , or really dry. Never seeming
to drizzle much. It can also be a very loud country. Music
it seems must always be played through concert speakers at
such a level that all you hear is the vibration of the
speaker casing.....and people shouting over the top of it. I
have a tannoy outside my gate that serves local news to the
immediate community. A great idea and useful too , but often
unwanted when your cousin ( the village headman seen below
in a blue shirt ) is heard
sounding like a cross between an Imam calling Muslims to
prayer and a barking , communist propagandist drilling the
peasants in party policy. Especially when he makes Mr and
Mrs Phoontongs donations to the temple yesterday , sound
like the end of the world is nigh........at high
volume.......at 6.30 a.m. Go to the mall and it is so
loud that it is disorientating and unpleasant. I sat
to eat lunch at Tesco a while ago and counted no less than
12 different competing TV's, stereos, arcade machines and
tannoy announcements etc. On top of the bustle of meals
being cooked , people shouting into mobiles ( can't get away
from that anywhere now it seems) I actually began to feel
ill. Because everyone has been deafened by a lifetimes
exposure to noisy vehicles, and village announcers they all
live in a catch 22 cycle of deafness and high volume. |
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| Driving too is
so very different here. If your lucky ( or stupid enough to
take on the massive debt ) you drive a nice shiny jeep with
tinted windows and bull bars for squashing peasants ,
cyclists and people on motorbikes. Next down comes the Pick
Up . Altogether more practical and you can fit more people
in the back too. Most drive a moto-cy which
are cunningly crafted into all sorts of hybrids. A
resourceful Thai will have his motorcycle strapped to some
kind of cooking apparatus, meaning it is a small travelling
business as well as the family transport. Up to 5 , yes 5
people can fit on the average 100 cc Honda bikes. Though if
your a fat bastard like me then its me and a child tops , so
the school run is still do-able .There are still people
using the old stalwart the bicycle too , and even pedicabs. If your Thai , it is
important to read the Highway Code. Otherwise the roads
would become clogged up with thousands of people that simply
cant drive. And chaos would ensue. |
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THAI HIGHWAY CODE. |
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Safety first. Paint some amulets on your
vehicle. Now your invincible. |
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When driving a Pick-Up or Jeep it
is essential to have at least 8 people in the back, and / or
a really long pole with a ribbon tied to it. Drive at either
10 or 100 kmph everywhere you go. Hang flowers in the window
to obscure vision . At a stop the vehicle must be parked
across 2 parking bays with the pole sticking out into the
road in the hope that a motorcyclist might decapitate
themselves .When in motion , if you can drive not on one
side of the road or the other but in the middle , straddling
the white lines , then all the better. More people will see
your car that way and know your important. When avoiding
potholes it is important not to slow down but simply cross
to the other side . Your bull bars will take care of dogs,
cyclists , peasants etc and hey , as long as you toot the horn / flash
the lights or , ideally put on the hazard warning then its
the oncoming traffics fault if they get squashed. So there .
They should anyway know that you are important. And it is
your road. |
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Drivers, get the local dealer to sell you some Ya Ba ( crazy
medicine , amphetamines ) , eat it and drink a half bottle of whisky mixed
with soda. Spend all day in your shorts , washing your bus, throwing litter
into the road and chain smoking before getting into the vehicle,
rev the engine for a good while to really blanket the area
in thick black smoke before taking to the road. Don't look ,
as anyone hitting you will be worse off than you anyway .
You are invincible. Go at the speed of light, do not slow
down , do not stop. The usual points system applies. Fowls ,
sleeping dogs etc 5 points. Village children playing
football in the road 20 points and so on . Slowing down will
have people at the bus depot saying your going soft. Just
blare the horn , people generally move. Get no sleep,
repeat. |
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Motorcyclists, as you are invincible ( due to that amulet /
tattoo you wear ) , drive with impunity. Too young to drive?
Well ,two 8 year olds make a 16 year old don't they?
or 3 or 4 or 5. It is important to observe the following
rules of engagement. Like busses you must never stop. At
junctions you must simply carry on into the road.... without
looking please. Cant get
to your lane ? Well just drive into the flow of oncoming
traffic till you see a space. Don't want to stop at
the junction to wait for the traffic to let you in ? Hey ,
just cut across to the wrong side about 300 yards before and
cut the corner, going into the wrong side , but hey that's
everyone else's problem. Freak out Falangs by trying this
simple trick. Drive with no lights, on the wrong side ,
cutting corners .... in the dark , while texting someone and
eating some noodles. Buddha will steer for you . Lets hope
that Falang is a believer eh? It is essential to have at
least one hand engaged in the application of makeup,
texting of someone, holding an umbrella, dog , fag etc.
Mirrors, indicators , brake lights etc are not necessary so
just get rid of them. Helmets are there to keep your hair
dry .Remember , its the amulets that keep you safe. If you really have to
wear one , just make sure you don't do up the strap, If you
get stopped by police ( afternoons every second Thursday
till they fill the bag with cash ) just smile and pay up a
small fine before going on your merry illegal way again.
Without looking both ways first if you please. Accidents are
common but you never know , in your next life you might be
lucky enough to own a land cruiser. Depending of course on
the all important amulets . |
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Pedestrians. What do you mean pedestrians, were Asian ,we do
not walk anywhere . People will think your mentally ill or
really poor. Better to get a pedal rickshaw driven by the
man with one foot than to walk .
DON'T WALK .
Just sit on the handle bars of a moto- cy or the back of a
pick up. A buffalo is better than walking damn it !!! |
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All vehicles must use in -out
lanes at the garage, hotel etc the wrong way , every other
entry / exit. Again cut the corner and don't stop , not even
for the ones going the 'right' way. The signs etc that are
on show are merely to confuse the falang and give us
something to laugh at when national politics fails us
in that regard . It is also a general rule to rev the
engine at traffic lights , and make sure no one gets ahead
of you , even if that does mean putting the whole vehicle
over the stop line. people will edge ahead but it is
imperative that you try and be first . This will seem
childish to outsiders , but what would they know. When the
countdown indicates 5 seconds to go , take off like it was
formula 1 Thailand before remembering to weave about a bit
and settling down to your 100 or 10 kmph , whichever type
you are. |
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If after reading this code you
are still not able to pass the driving test, don't worry.
The instructors are very thirsty and really appreciate
someone 'buying them a drink'. Cough cough. A couple of
hundred baht usually irons out any problems that the test
may throw up . Stupid tests eh. |
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Being a little young / poor to have really retired out here
I also find that the average age of my friends had doubled
to around the 60 mark. Nongkhai being more aligned
with the needs of the retired community than the partying
youth of the south. This is not a problem for me however ,
and especially in the case of Mr Tony it seems I am as old
as he is young. And besides, one usually gets better chat
out of people with more experience in life. |
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By far though the biggest struggle I have had to overcome
has been the relationship with my Inlaws. Or IL's as I know
them. I am without doubt the square peg here to their
round hole. A hole that my wife is only to happy to try and
fill with cash , and they , being the good opportunists that
they are are only to happy to stand around like council road
repair men and watch one man filling it up . ( That would be
me with the shovel by the way ) I have lost a little sleep
I'll admit over the training of my IL's. Now my IL's aren't
a bad lot, they are just very very different to me and
not very sensitive to my wishes all the time. They have wanted me
to understand them far more than they were willing to
understand me . To me at times they can be overbearing ,
selfish ,
opportunistic, lazy and lacking in imagination. To them I
can be
an arrogant rude chap that wont spend all my money on them
.( as would a good Thai son / daughter.) I gather they
had ideas that when we arrived there would be great
merriment everyday with us spending loads of money and them
sharing the spoils cos that is what Laila would usually do. I'm sure they dreamed of which
restaurants they would have us take them to. Unfortunately
for them being the pragmatic Scotsman I am , I had other
ideas and was to spoil the party. I cant blame their
attitude , ill educated and perpetually poor they will take
whatever is going. Besides , my wife has been quite a
driving force in all this . |
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That we are generous already toward them in cash and
material goods is beyond argument. My Wife should be able to
relax and rest easy knowing she has fulfilled her very
serious Asian duty to look after her parents in their old
age. To my mind the burden on the other siblings should be
lifted too meaning they can look after themselves, but of
course the Thai way is to share everything and not work
unless you have to. But it's not the cash that really
worries me, it was the ongoing attempt to follow their
interdependent leanings and splice the 2 households ( in a
very , what's yours is mine and what's mine is still mine
as we dont have much anyway sort of way) where as I , brought up to be independent see it as
them living in my house most of the time , eating my food
etc when we have bought them a house and give them money to
eat. Personally I didn't come all the way here , at great
personal and financial sacrifice to sit in my own house
watching a bunch of people sitting around (always in the way
) and eating
noisily, babbling on and on in a lingo I don't understand
and often only referring to me as Paw Lana or just Falang as
if I weren't even there. Being isolated and feeling almost unwelcome
in your own house is a big no no for me. I gave them a
couple of weeks but soon , after any polite hints that they
might like to maybe give me a bit peace etc went unheeded I
simply resorted to being rude and generally spitting the
dummy out to get my point across. They still don't get it
and I'm sure BIL and SIL don't like me as I never see them anymore
. but that's what I've had to do to get my house in order. I
guess I feel for Laila in all this as she is genuinely stuck
between wanting to give everything for her family ( as is
the Thai way ) and having a husband that thinks its all
madness and that people should get jobs or sell assets
if they want luxuries. A husband who is ever more vocal in
his criticism of a family they all see as perfect and beyond
reproach. I swear if I ever hear the words, " but my family
is poor " from anyone again I will get the axe out.
I'm talking
here about a bunch of people that see their daughters /
sisters good fortune as theirs. Their version of earning a
few extra bucks was raiding my fridge or 'borrowing ' money. People that would
rather use our car for long journeys ( well any journey ) as
theirs might break. ( I'm assuming they feel we
would bear the cost if they crashed our motor) . People who
you can set your watch by with the alarming regularity with
which they turn up, always unannounced, ( even though you
have given each of them a cast off mobile phone) at
mealtimes and act all surprised like "Oh we didn't
realise you were eating at lunch / dinner / breakfast time
but , if your going to insist we join you we have a
pre prepared list of dishes we would like " ....running to 2
pages. Plastic bags at the ready for any leftovers. etc. My
job soon became not to make money for a massive corporate
brand but to protect the thin end of my ( supposedly large )
wedge , so to speak. I don't mind helping, and I never will,
as long as I'm married, but I draw the line at pisstaking.
People that claim poverty , sell their only asset buy
themselves a necklace, then ask for a washing machine.
That's just liberty taking and cheek of the highest order to
me. Perfectly normal and understandable if your Thai. People
that want to go everywhere we go in the car , like a
pack . A trip to the
shops ended up with 9 people trailing about wanting things
but without the money to pay for them and my dear wife
feeling guilty that we might eat better than them . Now
lunch was no longer for 4 but for 10 , you need to
buy 10 ice creams if you want one , 10 lots of food to feed
the fish , 10 lots of snacks on the way home as nobody else
seems to be able to prise a wallet from anywhere. etc etc
etc . A trip to the
mountains resulted in me nearly taking a machete to someone
after claustrophobically enduring 8 hours of this mental turmoil and
being generally ignored until there was money to be handed
over, in which case people suddenly remember where I am . |
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We have now reached some sort of equilibrium where they seem
to slowly be getting used to the fact that my house is my
house, and my kids are mine, and no means no. And no I'm not
buying them a Jacuzzi , another motorbike or a heated towel
rail . MIL has angered me greatly in the
past with her interfering with my parenting. If I clearly
tell my daughter NO CHOCOLATE and she goes and buys it for
her anyway I will spit fire. If I tell Lana off for hitting
her brother and MIL gives her cuddles telling her that dad
didn't mean it I will start looking through the Yellow pages
under S for Sniper. Anyone that comes between me and my kids
will feel the heat. Of course in Thailand it is
normal for the Gran to look after the kids and mums and dads
to to keep shtum , or more frequently just piss off to the
city to have fun. Anyway you may see why I need my house to be
separated. The sister that I hold to be neglectful of her
kids, greedy , lazy , selfish , vain and self pitying
doesn't come round anymore to ' borrow ' money( boo hoo) so that takes care of
that one too. I've stopped worrying too much about their
feelings in all this and am currently enjoying more
happiness in my home than before. But hell its been a
struggle. Again , I stress that I don't actually dislike the
family, I just feel the need to draw a firm line regarding
what is what. And get my point across that I need way more
space than your average Isan Thai and simply cant afford to
keep subsidising everyone . Hell I find it hard
enough to share a house with my own flesh and blood. I guess I get on better with them the less I
see them. A shame , but seemingly the only way . Essentially I
came here at great expense to spend time with my family ,
not my wife's. Anyway , thanks to those who have kindly
listened to me while I have moaned incessantly about this
issue. You know who you are. |
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There are of course a million other things to get used to ,
and not all of them bad either. I love that here I can spend
time with my family , lots and lots of it. I love the
markets of fresh produce, mountains of fresh seasonal
produce . Fish and turtles alive in tanks with bubbles from
the aerator . People selling bags of lizards, frogs,
beetles, worms, all alive , all harvested from the
jungle. Masses of fresh fruit, vegetables and salads and
nearly all harvested fairly locally , picked when ripe and
tasting of fruit, and vegetables. I love this little village
I live in and the way that I have not been made to feel
unwelcome once, by a bunch of people who were probably born
here , lived here all their lives and will no doubt die here
too. ( very different from my Scotland experiences I can
tell you ) I love that our Neighbours , Yai Noi , and Ta Oot
are happy proud people , that pay our bills when the man
comes round when we are out , and that we pass food over the
wall to each other . I love the colours of the trees , the
skies , the slower simpler pace of life and the fact that
neighbours here speak to one another . And there are no NEDS
round here drinking buckfast or Flatliner Cider from a 2
litre bottle, setting fire to the swings in the broken
bottle strewn play park. I love the fact that there is no
play park. Kids make boats out of bottles and sail them in
the road puddles. still use sticks for guns and will use a
football till it resembles a mushroom cap. Kids here are
still allowed to climb trees without harnesses. And if a
child falls over the parents are less likely to try and sue
the council for negligence ( no point here) but tell their child to be more
careful in future.
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| My
favourite thing still in Thailand is going for a
walk with my children . Regular readers will already
know that I have the 2 most beautiful children in
the world but for new people , I will tell you this.
......... My children are the most beautiful
children in the whole world. Putting Morgan in the
buggy and Lana on her scooter I feel it my civic
duty to let the wider world have a share in the
cuteness too. At the last count Morgan had 265
girlfriends , and I'm not letting Lana have any
boyfriends as yet but If I did I'm sure their number
would run into the hundreds too. A simple walk by
the river is always turned into a Chunky and Chopsy
appreciation event. The Thais cannot get enough of
Falang mixed babies . I have had offers many times
from people wanting to look after one or the other,
for a year , a month , forever.And semi serious
probing requests just to father babies. Perfect strangers
stop you dead for some Cheeky Bunny time. Lots of Ja Eh's ( our British BOO!!) later we
will press on through the crowds that gather. Cheeks getting
pinched, hair ruffled etc. More than one stranger has turned
up at the house after meeting the kids out with Laila and
just not being able to say goodbye. Lana is I think over the
fame now. She will be requiring Jackie Onassis glasses and a
head scarf soon, often refusing to acknowledge the gooey
eyed people at the next table, in the queue in front , at
the mall etc. Morgan however is still loving it . Put him
within 500 yards of women and they just come a flocking ,
like seagulls to a fish supper. I often feel more like
Britney Spears' ( or whoever is currently famous ) body guard than their father , but it always
tickles me and makes me feel lucky that my children can
bring such joy to the world. |
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I still have no idea who the woman in blue is.
But she is besotted with Lana even though she has
kids of her own. Mr Bellamy himself checks out the
garden. |
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| Anyway ,
on the subject of kids, Lana has got something she really
wants to tell you . Over to you Lana. |
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I LIKE
PINK!!!!!!!!! |
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Hi everyone, this month has been really cool , well hot ,
but you know what I mean. We did everything. Went on holiday in the car and saw tigers, crocodiles,
orang-utans , elephants, beaches, swimming pools and a
really old big house that Dad says is way older than even my Grumpa Geoff in Scotland. WWWOOOOOOWWWWW! My Nana in
Scotland sent me and Mr Morgan about a thousand million
DVD's from Scotland too with Balamory and Sooty and Ollie the
Octopus. GREEAAAAT! Thanks Nana and Grumpa. We
love you . Mwa mwa mwa . ( that's 2 from me and one from
Morgan cos I'm bigger. 3 and a half you know ). All in all a
pretty mentil lentil month. ( or so Dad says. ) |
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Dad said that since he has to go
to Scotland soon for a while , we should all go to the beach
to spend time together. YIPPEEEEEE. My teacher said it was
fine cos I am pretty clever already , even though I'm only 3
and a half years old and only half as big as dad. She said
it was fine as long as we brought her back some dried skwidz.
MMMMMMMMM. First stop , the big temple at Phi Mai near
Nakhon Ratchasima. ( the place Phi Mai , not my auntie
that's
married to Loong Panomsan. ) We saw really old stuff and a
nice Bewdah which Dad says is mostly armless ( Dad is mad)
and he said the reason Bewdah smiles so much is cos someone
is tickling his knees all the time. But I wouldn't
know about that . Much. There were loads of old
trees ( even bigger than Dad) and some that looked like they
were being poured from the sky. And we saw a skwirrull and
everything. I laughed cos the lions had really big bums too
.On the way I found a really big duck. I
like ducks. Cool. |
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| We stayed
the first night in this great big pink hotel, that had a
pool and everything. Perfect for my pink swimming costume.
Mr Morgan loves swimming and me too. Dad says I have to try
to swim like a doggy and keep my bum down. I do swimming at
school every Thursday though , not much even dad can teach
me about swimming. Morgan didn't pee in the water or
anything. |
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next day we went to the beach near Rayong. A place called
Mae Ramphong. Well I don't know about Ramphong but it was
quite smelly. Me and Dad went swimming in the big waves
looking for the way to Balamory which Dad said wasn't far
but we never found it. Hmmmmmm? It was great fun anyway and
every night we ate loads of seafood from the market. They
cook it right on the beach and we sat in nice deckchairs. I
got to be a waitress and did a really good job with the ice.
I'm pretty good at choosing prawns too . Nice big ones for
my tummy . Yum Yum!! |
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Dad said that Balamory was out
past the rubbish and the pier??? Hmmmmmm????
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was really quiet there which was great , and all the ladies
in the hotel were really nice to me and Mr Morgan. They had
another Bewdah outside with a wee baby Bewdah. And I liked
it a lot. We went round the coast and found a great market
with loads of dry fish and fresh fish and prawns and
everything. MMMMMMMMMM! Yummy for our tummy. Then it was off
to the akrayreeyum thing where they had sharks and turtles
and seahorses and a fish that Dad said was painted by Edvard
Munch. Whoever he is. I nearly screamed when Dad told me it
was poisonous .. He also said this akrayrium was just
like the one in Embra but this one doesn't cost 35 pounds for
a family to go in . Just as well cos thats loads of money.
We also saw famous footballer Paul Scholes here sporting a
Leeds top. Dad says no wonder Man U are not doing well this
season . ( whatever that means) . He tried to fob us off by
telling us he was called Martin and came from Sweden , even
putting on a pretty good voice , but Dad wasn't fooled for a
minute. |
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| The beach was great fun and we
saw Elephants that said hello and thank you if you fed them
. But I left that to Dad . He says that the elephants should
live in the jungle but that everyone cuts the trees down and
likes to eat the elephants. Before they were used to carry
logs and go fighting with , but now people have machines to
do everything so the poor elephants have to go begging on
the beach. He was a lovely wee elephant and I don't think he
has got a mummy or daddy so I hope he can be ok. I might
have to go on a super mission next month to save some
jungles. Hmmmmmmm! |
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| The next
thing we did was go to see the tigers in Sri Racha
Tiger Zoo. Dad ( who never stops talking ) said we were
lucky to see them , because they live in the jungle as well
but Chinese people like to kill them and eat their willies
!!!!!! Cos they think it makes them strong.
EEEEUUUUGGGHHHHHH. Anyway he says they are nearly astinckt (
well they sure smell a lot) and that this zoo might be the
only place to see them. Anyway they are really nice and I
even held a baby one and gave him some milk. Now that is
cool. They have them living with pigs as mummies when they
are wee so that they live longer and are much calmer. |
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| There were
also loads of crocodiles too which Dad ( who never stops
talking) says used to live in the Mekong river but everyone
wanted to kill them and eat them , and make shoes from their
skin. They are also pretty scary. Now there's hardly any in
the river but loads in the farm like this. Me and Dad had a
go at feeding them chicken on a stick. The crazy man even
put his head inside the mouth . |
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After too much salt water , and
finding out that Mr Morgan doesn't like sand , we went to
Pattya for a hotel with a swimming pool. The beach there is
really busy with people selling things and Mum and Dad said
bloody a lot and that we are not coming back. I said they
shouldn't say that and got a tattoo done. It wasn't sore
because I'd had a few beers by then. And anyway , I'm tough.
I also got this nice pink nodding elephant. NICE>!!!! Mr
Morgan started doing a dance that Dad says is a local custom
. Its called the Go-Go. |
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Well that about wraps up the holiday . On the way home we
got these nice Orchids from the shop at the side of the road
. They are really beautiful and I got my very own PINK one.
Nice. Ok now , I'd better go to school , there's
lots to catch up on . bye for now. |
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SAM TOM |
| As
promised last time , I have been searching for the ultimate
papaya recipe for some of my readers in Edinburgh. I got
there in perfect Thai time ( about 2 months late) and am
pleased to announce none other than my lovely wifes recipe
for what is undoubtedly the secondary staple to its perfect
companion , sticky rice. Here is authentic Sam Tom as
preferred by the Isan / Lao people. |
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sort out your ingredients, Here is a nice big
picture of what goes in. Anti clockwise from the
pink tub of shrimp paste are : pickled gourami ,
green aubergine ,a fruit called mac glaur that is sour and is pretty
rare in UK delis so its optional, then tomato (
slightly under ripe) chilli ( as many or little as
you please ) garlic, lime to season , MSG ( to taste
, go sparingly ) and in the centre are some dried
prawns for chew, and shredded unripe papaya. Those
of you outside Thailand could try getting unripe
south American ones from a supermarket as the
Asian ones are about £6 a piece. Interestingly ,
Laila used swede as the best tasting substitute as
it has a pleasing crunch when raw, and a lovely
inbuilt pepperyness . It also has the benefit of
being cheap which is what this dish is all about. The other greens are seasonal leaves
from the garden and the white things are flowers
that grow like weeds here but cost a bomb back home.
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You
will also need one of these little beauties. A
pestle and mortar, nice big one. Alternatively you
can use a strong plastic bag and rolling pin. The
idea is to pound up the flavour and squash it into
the papaya strands. |
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Here Laila adds
tomato, chilli, dried prawns, pickled fish,
garlic, aubergine , shrimp paste, and the
sour mac glaur and gives them a good bashing
with the pestle. |
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| Next ,
when all that lovely flavour is swooshing around ,
the tomatoes have released their water and the
pastes are well and truly incorporated its time to
tip in the papaya and bash that flavour in . Using a
spoon to keep turning the mix. Check for acidity and
sweetness. Some like a bit of sugar at this point
for balance but Laila goes in with the lime. You
really only now need to check if the balance of
flavours is right. The acrid saltiness of the
shrimp paste , the sweetness of papaya, acidity of lime and
tomato and of course heat of chilli. There is no
science to it , just some ingredients and a set of
taste buds. |
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There are probably as many variations as there are mothers
in Thailand. The principal is the same. Food that is more or
less in the jungle, ( most above ingredients are available
in my garden and the pickled fish was made by Yai Noi next
door with fish caught in the rice paddy last year) It is the
peasant food of all peasant foods . Variants include making
it with salted and fermented rice paddy crabs, or making it without the pickled
fish and putting crushed dry roasted peanuts in instead, a
favourite of mine, known as Som Thai. It is the food that
people knock up when people come to visit without notice.
Without chilli I can eat it till it fills me . It is non
fat, low protein and very fresh . Laden no doubt with
antioxidants and flavonoids etc as most ingredients are
seconds fresh. It is poor food that has become cult like in
stature. Interestingly though when you look at the
ingredients , it is apparent that the modern Thai has much
to thank the Portuguese sailors of old for. Papaya itself is
south American, so too chilli and tomato. Any of which taken
out would leave this a very different dish. bringing to mind
, what is local anyway ??? |
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CHINA |
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Apparently the inventive
and brutal ways of getting rid of its own citizens
has stepped up a gear A novel new way to speed the whole
thing up a bit now exists in the form of Mobile Execution Busses. I'm not
kidding No more 'thousand cuts', cage dwelling
or shots to the back of the head like the Tibetans
above. Bus pops round, in you go ,
lethal injection , Roberts your fathers
brother. In the picture , 'tycoon' Yuan Baojing is led off by the thought police for
attempting to have his blackmailer rubbed out , looks
like its either cold in that room or they are just
going to get him on the bus and strangle him.
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A list of things you can be
killed for in China today include about 68 offences ranging
from forgery, corruption, rape, murder, bribery, tax fraud,
drug smuggling, knowingly selling defective baby milk ,
building crap schools in earthquake zones and pocketing the
change, being Tibetan etc etc etc . |
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My little rant about the Chinese
commies last time out got a good reception. They are a
fascinating bunch eh? And a little cruel to each other too . It has been
brought to my attention that they have been building 'trade
links' in the shape of a highway through Laos and a
proposed rail link too. Both run over the Friendship bridge
here in Nongkhai. It strikes me as only natural that to
continue feeding their machine the Chinese will soon need
more than Tibet. We saw them take Inner Mongolia too and now
they are eyeing up Kyrgyzstan . Laos has always struck
me as poorly defended and only now existing to keep nations
apart. How long into the future before the Chinese decide
they want more of the Mekong, more rice land or access to
more sea. ? What route would they take I wonder? How long
before they come marching into town with their
busses and their massive army? Anyway,they are by no means
the only nutters in this part of the world. Here Communism
took good hold , as did good old military dictatorship.
Think China and Mr Mao.Think Gen. Than Shwe of Burmah, think Kaysone
Pomvihane of Laos, Pol Pot , Ferdinand Marcos, the list goes
on . But if you think they are mental biscuits, save a little room in your
admiration for the king of nut jobs, Kim Jong Il, son of Kim
Il Sung, who together have ruled over North Korea since it
was formed. Ruled as revered Gods no less . The little high
heeled wig wearer has always captured
my imagination in the way the Chinese used to . All that
isolation , all that power. Truth is , nobody really knows
what he gets up to , but we do know he is basically god in
his country of 23 million people. Sandwiched between
China and their bitter rivals ( with whom they have the
ongoing longest standoff in history ) South Korea , the Kim
Dynasty has sought little else but to control power , all
its people and eventually the lower half of the peninsula
too. 'Protecting ' their people from becoming impure with
outside influences. Clinging desperately to their socialist , communist
belief that their way is best. Judge for yourself. Here is a
typical example of the things you might read about him . |
Like his father, Kim has a
fear of flying, and has always traveled
by private
armored train for state visits to
Russia and China. The
BBC reported that Konstantin Pulikovsky,
a
Russian emissary who traveled with Kim
across Russia by train, told reporters that
Kim had live
lobsters air-lifted to the train every
day, which he ate with
silver
chopsticks.
[68]>
Kim is said to be a fan of
luxury cars and has been known for
racing his cars at his palaces. Kim had
spent $20,000,000 on importing 200 new
Mercedes Benz S500 luxury sedans adding
to North Korea's fleet of 7,000 Mercedes
cars.[citation
needed] Kim is said to
be a huge film buff, owning a collection of
more than 20,000
video tapes.[69]
His reported favorites are the
Friday the 13th,
Rambo,
James Bond, and
Godzilla series, as well as
Hong Kong action cinema, and any movie
with
Elizabeth Taylor.[70]
He is the author of the book On the Art
of the Cinema. In 1978, on Kim's orders,
South Korean film director
Shin Sang-ok and his actress wife
Choi Eun-hee were
kidnapped in order to build a North
Korean film industry.[71]
In 2006 he was involved in the production of
the
Juche-based movie Diary of a Girl
Student – depicting the life of a girl
whose parents are scientists – with a
KCNA news report stating that Kim
"improved its script and guided its
production".[72]
Kim reportedly also enjoys
basketball. Former
United States Secretary of State
Madeleine Albright ended her summit with
Kim by presenting him with a basketball
signed by
NBA legend
Michael Jordan.[73]
Also an apparent golfer, North Korean state
media reports that Kim routinely shoots
three or four
holes-in-one per round.[74]
His official biography also claims Kim has
composed six
operas and enjoys staging elaborate
musicals.[75]
Kim also refers to himself as an
Internet expert.[76]
Defectors claim that Kim has 17 different
palaces and residences, including a private
resort near
Paektu Mountain, a seaside lodge in the
city of
Wonsan, and a palace complex northeast
of
Pyongyang surrounded with multiple fence
lines,
bunkers, and
anti-aircraft batteries........
Sounds good if your him . The trials of
keeping your people pure and isolated from
outside influence eh??
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Nearly every thing you read about this man seems to confirm
that he is totally bonkers and apart from spending money on
himself ( huge amounts ) and his kids, and his military ( to
keep the charade going ) he seems little interested in the
millions of starving ( as in to death ) people in the North of the country.
About as socialist as every other commie. First , fuck the
people, then make them scared, then feed them shit and make
them do weird shit. Meanwhile sip champagne, shag everyone
in sight while killing people for being bourgeois and having
affairs, and then get some nuclear weapons. Cool . Spend
millions on caviar and lobsters while your 'comrades' starve
to death , and play power games with the USA whom you have
cunningly told your people are a bunch of peasants with
little freedom. No
wonder he likes James Bond. The bloody thing is based on nutters like him.
Wether the details of his excesses are just an extra part of
his self made myth we may never know . It just amazes
me that like china under Mao , but on a smaller scale he has
convinced the people , his people that they are better off
without the world. And they all fall for it. Worryingly he
has a nuke or 2 and the worlds 5th largest army, but whereas
other nations buttons are to be pushed as result of
negotiations and the joint cooperation of many , his button
is there just for him to push if he wants. I mean what if he
goes mad, properly mad? Anyway credit to the man for keeping
the world out , and outplaying the Americans at
international chess. (I mean , who will screw with him now
that he has the bomb and 1 000 000 guys with guns. That
would be messy. ) Perhaps worryingly for those of us nearer
to Pyongyang he will die soon leaving a huge vacuum and all
those tools in the hands of ?????? His Mickey mouse
loving son? Probably the Generals. Oh dear.
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Ring
Ring..... hello , is that the White House?
Yes
, Id like to make a complaint about the
neighbours....
Oh yes dear we had
him round for drinks just the other day , such a
nice man . |
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But on the plus side ..... |
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According to a ranking published by
Open Doors, an organization that supports persecuted
Christians, North Korea is currently the country with
the most severe persecution of Christians in the world.[64]
Human rights groups such as
Amnesty International also have expressed concerns about
religious persecution in North Korea.....................
Take that God. Ya big knob.
Aren't you going to help them??? Too busy drinking beer and
getting laid eh? What's that? Kimmy boy is a good friend of
yours? Party at his house is it? Can I come? |
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Anyway, Kim is my dictator of the
month and if you want you can get more despotic delights
here at
www.dictatorofthemonth.com.
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Nearly forgot , I only got into the Dear Leader thing when I
accidentally found this picture of his Hotel. The worlds
biggest folly. Built at a time when South Korea had been
granted the world cup and he wanted to show the world and
his people that He was capable of great projects too. it
cost 2% of the nations GDP ( 750 000 000 ) and is a totally
useless building. 105 floors of completely incompetent ,
incompleteness . So embarrassing they are now trying to
airbrush it from any pictures of the city. The more detailed
story is at
http://www.damninteresting.com/?p=490 for anyone wanting
a laugh. Here are some pictures of Ryungyong Hotel. Dubbed
the most ugly building in the world. In Pyongyang, the city
built to fool people into thinking North Korea is affluent.
Apparently , hardly anyone lives there , and the roads are
deserted. Its just a showpiece. Truly brilliantly bonkers
stuff . |
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Thailand has been in the news
recently with the demonstrations at government house.
Readers should not be alarmed. This is just how things
happen here. Billionaire ex policeman Thaksin Shinawatra was
swept to power by appearing to look after the needs of the
poor here in Thailand who are by far the vast majority.
Even using much of his personal wealth to sweeten them up
before elections with cash handouts, local projects etc.
This was enormously successful and the PPP was in. Of course
he didn't spend all that money getting in without expecting
something back and set about ripping off the country with
the help of his wife and family to the tune of billions of
Baht. ( About 60 baht to the pound , 35 to the dollar. ). He
was pretty blatant about it , as he was pretty
powerful and money buys you out of anything here.
Anyway the middle classes thought this wasn't fair, as they
wanted to use the poor to help them to get richer, but
couldn't do this while the poor were in the pockets of the
super rich and the super rich were striving to get the poor
a better deal from their employers who are those middle
classes. As the super rich
were pretty shitty anyway the middle classes found an ally
in the military and the King gave blessing to a military led
bloodless coup. Thailand being what it is though soon had Thaksin back in power through his old mate and proxy Mr
Samak Sudaravej who relished his short stint as PM and
used it to get his cronies nice jobs so they could all line
their pockets too , at the expense of the country. This didn't
last long as the middle classes represented by the PAD (
people against democracy sorry I mean the peoples
alliance for democracy) really needed to be able to take
more advantage of the poor themselves so they could buy big
gold shiny things and live in gated compounds just like the
super rich , who were intent on keeping power by appealing
to the poor and amending the constitution to make it harder
to stop them blatantly ripping everyone off. A lot of
demonstrating ensued but Samak found the time in the running
of the country to nip off and do the odd cookery programme
which was ultimately his downfall as he was knocked off his
perch by the courts for accepting paid work outside
parliament . He arrogantly went off to govt. house the next
day to be reinstalled as PM ???? only to find that his pals
had turned their backs on him and elected to put in Thaksin
Shinawatras brother in law. ( I'm not making this up)
Brother of the woman that is wanted on fraud charges here
who is married to the guy they deposed only 2 years ago.
Only in Thailand. And only in Thailand can that woman be
sentenced to 3 years jail , only to be let out on bail,
allowed to go to the Olympic opening ceremony and a
gig in Japan before running away and seeking asylum in the
UK where her husband had invested Thailand's stolen money in
a lesser supported Manchester football club. The PAD are
still chucking their toys out about not having more power to
skim the till themselves and the super rich seemingly have
no intention of ever giving up their cosy little number,
even though it is costing Thailand its nice image that it
needs to get its number one earner into the country . That
would be us white guys with all the cash. So to sum it up
its about the greedy super rich and the greedy middle
classes arguing over who has more right to take advantage of
the poor. While they are all at government house together
like that I reckon someone should just bomb the lot of the
greedy arseholes and give the country back to the King if
this is the best they can come up with. At least he seems to
be genuinely caring for his people, and the Monarchy here
has done a great job of steering Thailand through the crazy
waters that engulfed everyone around it in the last century
or so. Anyway. |
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EXODUS |
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In the beginning there was God ,
who promised the holy land to Jacob , Isaac, Joseph et al if
they would do his bidding , after much begetting , murder ,
bum sex etc Moses was tasked was tasked with the job of
getting the people out of Egypt. Born a Hebrew he was cast
in a basket upon the waters to save him from death. riding
up in Egypt where he happened to get a great household
indeed. The Pharaohs no less. Killed an Egyptian for smiting a Hebrew and could
hide his Jewish-ness no longer, off to the mountains for him ,
shepherding for Jethro. God comes to him and tells him to
get his arse off the mountain and into Egypt as his people
need him. Worried he might not get the time off the herding
and worried too that there might still be snipers in Egypt
out for him he is relieved to find that god and Jethro
reassure him there is nowt to worry about. And off he pops. |
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Moses is found by the pharaohs
wife |
Moses, the weedgie, gets his
blade out |
God and his
burning bush. |
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In Egypt , the Israelites are
slaving away for their masters and Moses is there to save
the day , lead them through the wilderness and into the Holy
land. Only problem , as he tells god , is that he is no
public speaker and as such will not be able to convince the
people to believe him. God , who needs only to talk to Moses ,has
made a bad choice as Moses is a reluctant public speaker. (
Never would have made a good recruitment consultant then
eh.) For some reason , he tells him to get Aaron to do the talk,
( a nice way to get your brother involved ) and
teaches Moses how to make his staff turn from a limp snake
into a stiff rod, to impress the guys with . Pharaoh (
who god had a special dislike of ) is making the lives of
the Israelites pure hell and being obstreperous to boot with
his impossible demands.
They get pissed off and Moses tells
the elders he's there to take them home. God hardens the
Pharaohs heart against letting them go just to give him an
excuse to muller the Egyptians big style. ( I mean why not
just make Pharaoh let them go , or not have put them there
in the first place? God on the bender again if you ask me
the vindictive, childish ,violent nasty arsehole that he isn't .) God
is there rubbing his hands and having a rare old time at the
persecuting. Blood, frogs, winds, flies, locusts etc. Take
that Pharaoh you slaaag . Acting a little like a cat with a
mouse god decides its nigh time he shafted Pharaoh good and
proper and leads him to the sea where he parts the water for
his dear children and laughs heartily when all the Egyptians
and their bloodlines are wiped from the earth in the
recoiling seas. That's some thanks for rescuing Moses all
those years ago eh? |
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The Exodus |
Drowning Egyptians |
Gods big tabernacle tent rave house. |
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The wilderness is fairly harsh but that god chap loves a
test of loyalty so he does. Fulfil his demands , you get the
holy land. Fail to please him and he will just kill you . It
takes years to get there and on the way thirst is quenched
by Moses rubbing his rod on a stone and hunger sated by
manna from heaven falling every day. Moses is in constant
touch with the lord and is sure to kill off anyone not
complying with the good wishes. To my mind the lord is a bit
like a mad dictator, happy to sit in his clouds watching the
peasants suffer in their toil and efforts to please him.
Never lingering too long over a decision to smite people
left right and centre for not believing , worshiping other
gods, speaking badly of their parents, stealing their
neighbours ass, or blaspheming. He also feels the need to
have his ego stoked at every opportunity and controls his
people with fear, and keeps them pure with ideas of ethnic
cleansing and isolation. I mean he even comes out and
says explicitly that he is a Jealous God and will shaft
anyone worshiping other idols. Tell me where does a man /
supreme being that created the universe just a few thousand
years back get such an incredible insecurity complex from ?
Did he have a little willy or what ? |
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All sorts of mad detailed laws are handed down regarding
what to do in the event of Oxen that push their horns and
cause upset or death , how to settle a situation where 2
fighting men cause harm to a pregnant woman and cause her to
lose the baby ( the father and judges decide the
penalty ) , how to deal with maidservants you have
impregnated, slept with , made eyeless , knocked a tooth out
of etc. and the punishments range from 5 oxen replaced
for every one stolen , to death for the ones mentioned
before .
Sounds to me like Moses led them into the
wilderness, had them by the balls and brainwashed the living
shit out of them. Obviously in cahoots with Aaron and a few
others . They have monopoly on hearing God and seeing him ,
keeping everyone else well back from proceedings ( hmmmmmmmmmmmm) and Aaron nearly fucks it at one point when
Moses has gone too long and he needs a deity fix soooo bad
that he organises a whip-round and gets a nice golden calf
to worship. 'God ' is livid and wants to kill everyone
.Moses being the great guy he is acts as soother and
prevents everyone being killed . Sounds like tactics I might
use in the kitchen to get the guys onside. "Hey this bigger
guy than me wants to bazooka you all , I'm the one laying my
ass on the line to save you lot , so do more of what I say
and we will be fine ."( often wholly made up ) There was a lot of blood
spilt anyways as Moses gets the Levites ( his family it
seems ) to massacre the
disobedient. Except Aaron who after all only built the
calf and organised its inception. Then God gets the 10 commandments carved
out and has a nice tabernacle built from all the gold and
silver they looted from Egypt on the way out the door. The
building of which is very specific involving lots of gold,
silver, bronze, badger skins, etc. Biblical badgers eh?
Killed of course. Even though thou shalt not. This along
with very exact instructions on sacrifices to him (
God is one fussy eater by the way ) is
where Aaron is given the job of High Priest and its a job
that runs down through his bloodline. The boy did make a
good comeback after that golden calf incident eh?
The holy
land is of course occupied and God gives further instruction
on how to cleanse the land of the Hittites, Hivites,
Amorites, Canaanites etc that inhabit it . A guide
to genocide for the Jews if you like . Not for the last time the children
of Israel moved in to that patch of land and started
killing ,raping , stealing land and ridding it of the others. I am
more and more understanding anti Semitism by the day. Funny
to think that after all this , God let the Romans come kick
out the Jews from Palestine about 2000 years ago. ( must
have been on a bender ) They ran
like squealing little piggy's and spread out, multiplying
and begetting again till eventually , backed up by the facts
in this lovely book , the one before it and the 3 after , catalysed
by the persecution of the poor wee homeless 'children of god'
by Hitler in WW2 , they convinced the world to let them
push out the Palestinians and inhabit it once more. After
all , it is theirs. It says so in this book I read. Hmmmmmmm.
The more I read the more I am convinced that there are so
many Christians in the world exactly because they have not
read this interesting crap.
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The first signs are coming that
Mr God has been listening , or at least that the devil has
been trying to get in touch. Spookily , see what numbers
were showing on my website count the last 2 times I looked
at it. Perhaps those dark clouds at the beach contain the
bearded one , he is after me . The big bearded, tiny
willied twat that he is. YOUR LIGHTNING MISSED GOD. NOT AT
THE OLYMPICS WERE YOU ? MAYBE THE PARALYMPICS. TRY HARDER
NEXT TIME YA BIG COCK. |
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SCOTLAND |
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Thanks to a credit crunch , and some vandalistic wee
bastards that have shafted my house , I will be semi
reluctantly coming out of retirement and reporting next from
the windy , rainy , cooler climes of bonny Scotland. It will
always be a pleasure to go 'home' as I know more than
ever now that I am ( even though I'm not big on nationalism)
Scottish. It's imprint too strong to ever really be pushed
out. I will be working too , doing something I love, so
things really could be worse. I get to see family and
friends ( if they will have me ) and indulge in some good
Scottish humour and crappy yet really tasty food that
doesn't have too much chilli in it. The only negatives I can
come up with is that I am just getting really used to life
here and I will miss the freedom, the sky, the rice
field that is nearing readiness for harvest , I will miss my
garden ,the view and mostly of course I will miss my wife and kids enormously ( even
though they are a pain in the ass at times). But , as one
friend put it , " You cant have everything , where would you
put it?" All is for the good though so I hope to be back
with them soon enough . |
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| Join
me next time when I'll be reporting on exactly what a man
like me must do to live in Nongkhai. Food, neds, shitty
weather and expensive stuff will no doubt feature as well as
my initial impressions of being back 'home' .Till then keep
listening. I'll leave you with a few funnies. enjoy...... |
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happy.
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