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Part 04	A DIFFERENT VIEW FROM NONGKHAI	Published
		AUGUST
		2551

STILL HERE AND BREATHING .

Hickory dickory dock, the mouse ran up the clock , the clock struck one and one decided that one was not in favour of such behaviour so one took a hammer to it . Mouse and all. ..............Bloody clocks.

And on a slightly different note , Hello , and welcome to part 4 of my lovely Nongkhai adventure in which I have a few guests round, try out more restaurants, get some cooking lessons, have Mothers day , Mummys' birthday, Aree's birthday ,drink too much and make an arse of myself, see more snakes, continue to fail in the growing of anything and watch the water in the river closely to see if it will come over the road and flood us as it has our neighbours. Its also olympics time ( alcolympics for me ) so we will be trying to find a different view for you on that one.

The weather has been dominated by still high temperatures ( 30 + ) and loads and loads of rain . Great news if your some rice or a fish but problematic if you live near the river bank. The rainy season started early this year and coupled with extra warm glaciers on the Tibetan plateau and massive deforestation of it and the mekong basin ( plus rumours that the Chinese are letting out their dam water) there's not been much to stop the onslaught of water from entering the Mekong. As such it has been steadily rising for months and officially became flooded on the 11th of August. But more later .

As you can see , the view from the window has changed yet again. The grasses that had grown up were ploughed into the mud and a gang of workers very quickly planted up the field. It always amazes me how cheerfully the people here are when doing anything. Even when up to your knees in mud , with 35 degree temperatures and mozzies snapping at your heels. The field is home to thousands of musical frogs , which are eaten by the snakes and the birds come along and eat them both . There are also loads of tiny fish in there so I may have to go fishing soon.

You know your more at home when you start to have more guests in the house and the past few weeks have seen a good few. First up we had the honour of Dtong and her husband Luis Garcia. Dtong is a Nongkhai local and Luis originates from Bolivia though he has mostly been from Scotland the past 30 years .They now live together in Edinburgh and were over on their annual Nongkhai holiday. Dtong is Laila's oldest friend and Luis has been a good family friend too , so it was nice to see some familiar faces. And Lana especially was delighted to see Aunty Dtong again . Strangely it was Dtong that complained about the heat , which is the same with Laila. Anyway we did eat out at Le Khong restaurant opposite Nong Thin park and had a lovely time , boneless omelettes and all .The snakehead fish being a particular delight. We all ate at the floating restaurant called 'Wee Ess ' where you can catch your dinner if you want or just do as we did and enjoy the watery ambience and great food . Again both restaurants bent over backward to help us with children , making up beds for Morgan and trying to amuse a tired and sulky Lana. Morgan is now 10 kilos and is very mobile so eating and holding him can be a little tricky .

We also had the delight of a visit from BB erm I mean Phi Mon and her ladyboy friend. I never did remember his name or her name or whatever the polite term is.... so sorry Mr / Mrs. The first time they visited , Laila was literally on her way out the door when they turned up with beer , prawns, mussels, squid and , it seemed , a request to get the not so elusive Mr Brading out for a second sitting. I have to say that it is a cultural difference indeed that Laila cancelled her appointment of a weeks standing to visit the Sunday market with a friend because 2 relative strangers appeared unannounced bearing crustaceans , bivalve molluscs , cephalopods and chilled alcoholic beverages. The Scottish in me says that we should have still gone out and explained that it was bad timing, should have phoned etc, but the Thai that I am trying to accommodate within me said ..... prawns, mussels, beers mmmmmmmmmm , lets eat , the market will be on next Sunday too. Thailand won,( without much of an argument really) and we ate, and drank, and set up another dinner for a week later , the purpose of which it would seem to ensnare the hapless Mr B for BB. Was it to be? Or not to be? I got Mr B to ask BB who was busy with the rabbit ... oh you would have to have been there really. My friend Shooie will know exactly what I'm on about. Dtong and Luis accompanied us the second time and we actually used the table that sits in our front room as a dining table for about the first time ever. What a moment. For the record the steaks were not grass reared Aberdeen Angus rib-eyes that I have such fond memories of , but the usual grey Thai beef which was a bit chewy . Anyway the vegetables were nice . And the company more so. Below left to right we see Phi Mon , Lady Boy, And a scene from How To Use The Table . Part 1

It's funny that both Morgan and Lana were stumped by the sight of a man acting like a lady and were a little sceptical for an hour or so. But they all bonded over a pink fairy princess.

The day went really well with beer and chat flowing, a nice meal and wonderful weather too. I'm not sure who to blame really for the latter part of the day . Was it Luis for suggesting we perhaps have a little of the Glenmorangie??? Perhaps Mr B for practically forcing me to down 6 beers and a litre of red wine??? Or was it Chef Neil for giving me a specially super charged Nelito Neil bottle of Dalwhinnie 15 yr old which was downed too??? Maybe the blame should lie at the feet of Phi Mon who being a teacher should know better than to get a bottle of whisky from her car after we had drunk all the above??? Personally I blame all of them for me waking up at 4 a.m. , in the restaurant down the road , where I happened to fall asleep at a table and was most cruelly and publicly assaulted by the dear Mrs Wai-tiss. (who must have loved the fact that I didn't budge an inch for the slap) All these people should be blamed for giving the village something to discuss for weeks on end. Poor innocent young me , led astray by my elders. It was with some trepidation that I returned to fetch my T-shirt the next day to face the music of laughter from the cooks and waitresses there . Forever more I will sit down to eat there and be asked if I'd like a wee whisky. The things you must do to break the ice in rural Thailand eh. Thankfully no real harm done. Even Mrs Wai-tiss had to laugh eventually . I hoped I'd grown out of that. Oh well. You can take the boy out of Scotland but you cant take Scotland out of the boy .

Your probably asking now , Did BB and Mr B get it on. Well the answer is for the record no , but I could have fooled you all otherwise with this pic underneath . My what big smiles they have. You can also see me pre coma. And , How To Use A Table . Part 2.

Talking of Scotland , I couldn't resist stopping here on my way back from the park with Lana. We stopped in for a beer and an OJ. Obviously I was on the OJ being a responsible driver... John the 'owner' was in good spirits despite a big fight with his girlfriend ( whereabouts unknown) and the fact that he is an Aberdeen FC fan. Well someone has to I guess. I was on the way home for tea (dinner) so didn't stay long but nice that Lana still relates to Scottish-ness and recognises her other roots. I also spotted some half decent reading material so I may return to pick up a book or two. Perhaps have a beer while I'm there. Be rude not to eh !

So that leaves the visit of Maxwell ( co author of the Mekong Mart website www.mekongmart.com ) his lovely wife 'Grape' and their charming daughter Megan . We met up at mothers day ceremonies at the school where Megan and Lana attend. Our beacon like white skin and extra height in a sea of short tans meant Maxwell and I were soon chatting. And I'll tell you one thing. He likes to get about that man. Australian born, then Thailand, Korea, Nigeria, Bulgaria........ But Grape , a Nongkhai local has had enough of the road and knows that life here is just too good , so is currently staying put . We met up again at the house here later that day and spent a good afternoon chatting ..... in English.... and jolly nice it was too. Perhaps we shall hook up again before he jets off to teach in Africa or plant up Bulgaria or something. Hope so. And it would be great if little Megan and Lana spent more time together speaking English. Anyway , here below is a pic of the family , and one of the Queen of Thailand . The middle picture I squeeze in to introduce the lovely Aree , seen here in the stripy top next to baldy erm I mean Tony. Tony kindly invited Laila and I to celebrate Aree's birthday which was something of a novelty for her as Thai people seldom make a fuss. Sometimes to the point of not even knowing how old they are . (Aree for the record was 28 on the day ) Anyway as Tony's keep fit instructor Aree has her work cut out keeping him in trim but he seems in better health since he met her so whatever her technique , it must be working.

Did I mention that it was mothers day here in Thailand . That would have been the 12th I think. Also happens to be the Queen of Thailand's birthday. For Lana it meant a special day at school where all the kids have to honour their mums in a lovely gesture, Then its off school early , and the next day off too . Wow. We made a slight faux pas turning up to the ceremony with Lana dressed for sport ( like a normal Monday) but I cant read the Thai sign by the door , underlined in red , that says don't dress your kids in sport clothes, make sure they have formal wear on . So , Lana was running around at assembly very easy to spot in yellow with shorts to everyone's red and orange . . It was all dealt with in a mai pen rai ( don't worry ) fashion but luckily a distress call got through to Grampa and the correct clothes were obtained in the nick of time.

It was nice to hang out in the school for a bit. I watched the kids funnel out the building caterpillar style with hands on the shoulders in front. Music went on and the kids and teachers all did their exercise dancing . The thing that impressed me most was the lack of tomfoolery but great sense of fun. The kids really do have great respect for their teachers and the teachers in turn give so much to the kids. Lana seems to have worked her way to the top of the class , The sign there says . " Lana is the most intelligent, well adjusted child I have ever had the joy to teach. Her parents can take comfort from the fact that she is without doubt the brightest child in the whole world. " ( At least I think that's what it says) I hope only its on merit as her teacher I know has a soft spot for her . To be honest all the teachers do. I sometimes have to run the gauntlet of hugs and kisses ( aimed at Lana I might add ) as I try to get her in or out the place. Could be worse eh. Falang mixed kids here are treated like demigods sometimes. Lana of course loves the attention.

The next day on Mothers day proper , Lana , being the perfect little daughter that she is , got up at the crack of dawn to prepare her mother this lovely breakfast which she brought to her in bed. ........ and then ate herself as she was so hungry. Mum , it's the thought that counts. She more than made up for it by ........... well , let Lana tell you herself eh?

Yes thanks Dad. this month has been really cool . Me and Dad have had to make 2 secret surprises for Mum. Shhhhhh

On the last day of July it is Mummy's birthday, so me and Dad had to make some tasty treats for everyone to eat and a big cake with icing and cherries and sprinkles and chocolate and everything so we could have a surprise birthday. I love making cakes and getting dirty Icing is the best bit, well that and the sprinkles, ...... and the chocolate chips, and the jelly , not to forget licking the spoon and bowl. MMMMMMmmmm yummy. Here's some pictures of the cooking. Dad says I'm really good at cooking and I'm better than some people he knows.

And finishing touches from Mr Morgan and me. ha ha . We had to do lots of hiding from Mum and make her dinner and everything so she wouldn't be in the kitchen. She kept trying to look but we were just too smart.

On the day of her birthday we all went to the temple to give food to the monks in the very very early morning. After we put all the food on the table and got everyone to come round . We ate and drank all the juice and then surprised mum with the cake. Then when Mum blew out the candles in front of the neighbours and all the family we gave her a card and played a funny trick on her. Mummy wanted gold for her birthday ( sensible Mum) but Dad wouldn't tell her if she got it or not . On the card was a present and inside it was a red coloured bag you get gold in . Mummy was really happy and everyone in the room was happy too . When Mummy opened the box in the bag , she found my pink plastic necklace. I never heard my Khon Yai or Khon Tha Or the next door neighbours laugh so much. Ha ha ha ha ha. Very quickly , before Mummy died or killed us or something I put on her gold and went through to ask if she would like to swap. To be honest it wasn't that funny but everyone was very loud. I think Mummy had a very big surprise birthday. And Dad says it's always good to use the table. You can see Mum smiling in the end cos she got her gold. But most importantly she loved her surprise cake. Me too . Yummeeeeeeeeeee.!!!!

The second surprise was on Mummy's day. I had to get up really early to make Mummy breakfast in bed. toast , coffee and some nice flowers. I did it all by myself of course . I am pretty clever you know.

After making sure no toast was wasted I went out to clean the house before she got up. All I can say is Morgan is helping me next year. He got off light by just giving her a big cuddle and a smile. Boys eh ??? Polishing, dusting, laundry , dishes, sweeping, mopping, cleaning the toilet (eeeugh yuk) . I did it all. Whew!!! Mum was really happy though so that's the best thing. She's pretty lucky to have me I reckon .

This month was also cool cos Pha Dtong and Loong Luis came here from Scotland. Luis has got a crazy stache and is good fun, Pha Dtong gives me great big cuddles and is really nice. She gave me 200 Baht when she went home and I bought a drum kit and Morgan got this house and lots of balls to play with. He loves playing with his balls . Dad says if we share we can have twice as many toys which is good cos the house is way to cool just for Morgan only. Anyway . Kap koon kaaaaaa Pha Dtong. We love you . Mwa mwa mwa.

I'm doing really well in school and dad says it's thanks to the time I had in Scotland school with my teacher Sandra and because I'm pretty clever and big for a 3 and a half years old girl. My face is at the top of the board outside Khon Kloo's door so I must be good. I'm really liking the school here cos we all have lots of fun and go swimming and eat nice dinner and have nice new toys and classrooms and my teacher is the best in the world. Sometimes Daddy comes into the class so I can show him off to all my friends. I think I've got the biggest Daddy in the whole school. And if I'm lucky I get to go climbing on him. Wow!!! You can see us above sharing coconut shakes at the Mekong Guest House and Restaurant Which is a great place for fruit juice and my favourite tempura prawns .. Yummy Yummy!!! ( I think Morgan has a girlfriend there too ) Us on our way to look at the really big river , and I really am the king of the castle. Morgan is a dirty wee rascal.

I've been so busy pampering Mummy this month that I've had hardly any time to do any saving of anyone. Dad was a bit suspisheris I think so I had to use this play dough mask to do my missions in secret. He never realised all the time that it was me inside. I just had to speak in a funny deep voice like a man and he thought I was called Mr George. He he he. Not a word O.K.? Anyway the river is getting really high now and the water is going into all the houses and stuff so I better get my mask on and go help out with my trusty bucket and spade. What would they do without me eh? Bye for now and see you next time.

xxx

LANA

FLOOD ALERT !!!

Yes Lana , the water is getting high isn't it. As I mentioned earlier a combination of factors including the deforestation of the Mekong basin and increased melt water from Tibetan plateau glaciers has meant that the river not too far from my house has been awash with lots of heavy downpours. The Mekong itself is the 12th longest river at 4180 kilometers long and 6th largest by volume of output in the world. Starting on the Tibetan plateau and working its way through China, Myanmar, Laos, Thailand , Cambodia and Vietnam they say it feeds more people than any other river in the world and normally has the flood followed by drought cycle that you would expect round here. People cultivate the fertile banks in the dry season , hide in stilt houses and grow rice in the wet season and fish , fish, fish all the time. There are over 750 types of fish to be had in there from the little 3 cm tiddlers like Brachygobius mekongensis to the mighty Pla Beuk or Pangasianodon Gigas ( officially biggest freshwater fish at 300 +kilos ) , Giant ray Himantura Chaophraya ( reports of 500 kilo fish but so little is known ) and Catliocarpus Siamensis or Giant Barb (300 kilos) which all contend for the title of largest fresh water species. To say the river has allure and importance to this region would be an understatement. Pictures below of the fish don't include the Pla Beuk . you can see that in Part one. A completeish list can be found at http://fish.mongabay.com/data/ecosystems/Mekong%20River.htm for any fish enthusiasts out there .

Brachygobius mekongensis	Catliocarpus Siamensis	Himantura Chaophraya

I like to look at it every morning as I return from the school run. Look at the level, see who is catching what . The rusty red waters seemingly calm , yet powerful enough to carry chunks of forest under the friendship bridge like a giant game of pooh sticks. It is deceptive to watch massive trees float effortlessly by and more than one idiot falang has been fooled into thinking it an easy swim in the dry season . Even if you were as strong swimmer , the Naga's that lurk about will be sure to get you . The woman fishing with a drop net there just two weeks before . The picture of the water being pumped out is gushing over those steps behind her.

For me I am truly awed every time I look at its slowly boiling , mysterious waters . It is the unstoppable force round here for sure and I'm sure we don't know all it has to give us yet . Its equal immovable object could be us in the shape of our selfish use of its lifeblood and neglect of its surroundings. And we all know what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object don't we? Well for those not well versed in the novels of Iain Banks , well I better not tell you . It would ruin the book .

Anyway , were it not for the river there would certainly be no Nongkhai and at the moment it is perhaps giving us a reminder to have a little more respect for the environment. The Queen of Thailand used her birthday to address the nation on such issues. As the respected mother of the nation I hope people listen to her advice to use less water , cut down less trees and go back to using buffalo in the field as any other way is unsustainable and will lead to conflict and destitution for many. According to some the Queen could do with listening to a bit more of her own advice , but that's for another time perhaps. My family and neighbours think I'm mad to go on about harvesting rainwater and mulching the garden to avoid excess watering in the summer. They point to the river and say there is so much of the stuff. Records though seem to suggest that the river is getting drier in the summer and wetter in the rainy season. Perhaps most worrying is the fact that the river originates in China whose government we all know will take whatever they fancy. ( Think Tibet , Mongolia etc ) And who is going to stop them? For a nation with massive water shortages it wouldn't surprise me if they diverted the flow for their own needs. Here , the words of a Guardian report back in 2004.

"China holds all the trump cards," said one water analyst who asked not to be named. "If all these dams go ahead, the river's hydrology will be significantly altered and no-one can begin to understand the social or ecological consequences. China can do what it wants with impunity. It is a dangerous situation."

This year is apparently a record year for river height and a shock to many. Red alert day came on the 11th when the river officially flooded . The Mekong river commission ( http://www.mrcmekong.org ) apparently knew about it for at least days in advance but it is a shame that their warning to the poor river bank dwellers was in the form of a mention on a graph shown above( no one I knew understood it) in their website ( no one I know has the internet either ) and was written in English ( not the first language of poor rice farmers and fishermen round here). It led one poster on the teakdoor website to remark

"They should re-name MRC The Water Authority of Thailand as it seems there is a real T.W.A.T in charge ".

And another

"The Thai/Chinese who normally runs the show will never blame China and they regard the native Thai in this area as of little consequences unless its Voting Time."

Alas sad but true.

Credit where its due though and the locals on the other side of the road who all have been flooded have taken the indignity of camping on the street in their stride . Simply moving everything to the road or upstairs and getting on with life in an optimistic and cheerful way till the water goes back down. You can see my cousin there waving the flag from his high veranda . I guess a flooding every 40 years is small beer compared to what they get from this mighty waterway. The River chief seems to be taking it all in his stride. Probably knows that all the sandbags and 24 hour pumps in the world aren't going to stop the river from eventually covering his table. Besides , nothing gets in the way of lunch here. Over in Laos they were scrounging sandbags from Thailand despite being 'prepared'. "Did you buy those million sand bags Mr Lao River Authority Man ?" " Oh yes . Lovely views " he replied from his lovely new , city apartment .

And nothing was going to stop this restaurant ( with the blue ice cream bike out front ) from closing. A table walkway got the pre booked bus tours to their island restaurant.

You can see I didn't only gawp and take pictures but heeded the community call for help by picking up my trusty shovel and filling hundreds of sandbags in an effort to keep the water damage to a minimum. Me and the guys ( more them ) from Hat Kham , Moo 3 did what we could .Apart from it being the decent thing to do there is no way I'm getting labelled a work shy , voyeuristic , lazy arse falang. I met a Latvian chap when I was in Laos last time who repulsed me by first telling us he was loaded and on no particular timetable, that he was enlightened cos he spent 2 weeks in a temple in Myanmar and lastly how he was delighted to have lived through Cyclone Nargis. Not helped the victims you understand , just was there to see the trauma first hand, before he had to get his bus see . He actually smiled when he said it would be one to tell the grandkids. "Hey kids. When Grampa was young he left 1.5 million starving innocents in a windy bog without so much as lifting a finger cos he had to catch a bus. You should have seen the suffering. Wow ." I remember thinking "This guy is the worst kind of asshole." and made my excuses as I was feeling violent. Anyway I digress , this is no Nargis and I think deaths attributed to the flood could be counted on one hand , maybe 2 at the most , and that's over 4 countries.

On the right you can see the rising water which eventually lapped the side of the road. Our house , with the orange roof on the left. Ooooooeeerrrr!.

Our own house is behind the road which acts as a barrier . The water is pretty close up now but even if it came over it would just spread out over the vast flat plain so we are ok. ( I hope )Thanks for the concern though . To see more of the drama in the city itself I hand you over to roving reporter Tony Brading who has compiled us this special report. Over to you Tony.

Flood Report : Central Nongkhai

Within seconds of hearing the warning of dangerously high water levels for the river Mekong, and the possibility of flooding within Nongkhai, Brendan (I'm from 'Ull, pictured right,) announced that he had been offered a job digging a tunnel in India. Of course nobody believed him, we all know that he is upstairs hooked up to an intravenous supply of Chang draft, occasionally spying on customers below, through holes in the floor, leaving the rest of us to tough it out through the floods. No doubt he will reappear once the river level drops, with a tale of things not working out in India.

I included this picture left below, when writing about temporary local flooding 2 months ago. It is the road outside my house during a sudden downpour of rain.

An hour after the rain stopped, the Floodwater had drained away. Below right is the scene outside my house for the last four days.

The difference in colour of the water is immediately apparent; the present water level is also significantly higher, which becomes more obvious when viewed from road level. As often happens in these situations, an entrepreneurial spirit manifests itself, so the lorry in the picture had brought sandbags to the people with the colourful yellow wall, and had built a sandbag wall in front of their purple house for them. My not unattractive neighbour had also had a sandbag wall built across her drive, which I thought a good idea, so I arranged that the people who built her wall, would build a similar one for me. The price was 400 baht, (i.e. 20 sandbags at 20 baht each) about £8 in total. Very reasonable for the piece of mind that it afforded.

Below my wall being built, and the finished result. Naturally since the sandbag wall was built, the floodwater has receded but by perhaps only one inch. There remains a very real risk if it rains, because the rainwater has nowhere to go. When it rained two nights ago, it added six inches to the depth of the flood. If I want to go anywhere I have to wade through knee deep water to the end of the road, before mounting my bicycle, - I tried cycling through the water, but it is surprisingly difficult. Realistically however, I am one of the lucky ones, as my house was built quite a bit higher than some of my neighbours’ houses. and on my slow wade to the end of the road, I have noticed that some of them have the water lapping at their front doors.

Adjacent to the river, appearances are more dramatic. Through the arch is the Zodiac floating restaurant. One has to walk up a ramp to get on board, if one has had the courage to park the car in the flooded car park. The boat in the other picture is moored at the river bank. Here, the Mekhong is simply higher than the bank, and the car park has been annexed by the river.

In the past I have commented on the movement of the river, and have used the number of steps to the restaurant as a yardstick. At the lowest that I have seen, I counted 57 steps down to the restaurant, while at its previous highest (in my time in Nongkhai) there were 9 steps down in October 2006. Now you go UP to the restaurant!!

	Left 57 steps down, but perhaps more to the point, 57 steps back up to the car park after your meal!
	Right a much more civilised 9 steps down (or up). At the time we all thought this was very high.

Below left the river wall is in the centre of the picture. To the left of it is the Mekhong, while to the right of it is the river front road (hence the lampposts). Can you spot the difference? I don't think so. Despite (or perhaps because of) all the water, there is an atmosphere of Song Kran (the Thai water festival). Many children, and some adults (including the monk in his underwear) enjoyed playing in the water, while in the background a group appeared to be playing an improvised cross between water polo and football.

Of course business has to go on, or at least try. Above a shop/bar on the river road is open for customers with the river only six inches below the floor level. Although the road is impassable to wheeled traffic, it can still be considered a highway, as those with boats are able to use it for getting out and about. Today (17th) the water has gone down a few inches, it is still in my drive, but has definitely retreated. I am hoping that there will be no more rain for a week or so, but this may be unlikely as we are in the middle of the rainy season!

Best wishes to you all

Tony

Well , well, well, lets hope for a lot of peoples sake that things don't get out of hand on the river. And that Mr Brendan comes back from India looking a little less likely to die soon. I haven't had the pleasure of meeting him as yet but have enjoyed the ambience of his bar on more than one occasion. Nice Chang draught too.

Anyway , I'm fairly pessimistic when it comes to the actions of people concerning the environment generally. Especially when the communists are involved .The rich seem to think they can buy their way out of trouble, and the poor care more about how to eat today than if they can eat tomorrow. Whatever happens , life will undoubtedly continue. If we keep up our 'progress' we will undoubtedly unbalance things so much that our current population will be unsustainable. 'Growth ' might be an economists dream and what much of our economy is based on but the end result is simply too much , and inevitably , not enough. It is what Buddha taught really and what most of his followers don't live by. Life is suffering , suffering is caused by desire . In this case we are all wanting more. Cars, water, bigger houses, more appliances needing more electricity, eating more meat that needs to be fed grain that needs trees to be cut to make cropland , travelling more and further burning bigger holes in the sky , all to try to appease our desires. Once on the conveyer belt of course there is always a bigger house, better holiday, finer meat , faster car and other wealthier people you could try to be better than. Greed is indeed a deadly sin , against each and every one of us . To ensure the sea lives to support fish , that the Mekong flows and allows fish to spawn , that we have air to breathe and clean water to drink the truth is that everyone will have learn to be happy with less . Will it filter through to a species hell bent on more?? A global society that requires more stuff to be made and sold each year to make its payments to the bank? I doubt it. Oh well. I of course am no angel , living on 2 sides of the globe ( plane fumes ) eating meat , consuming food manufactured miles away , needing that same economic growth to keep me from work etc , I am getting better though . Well I try . Anyway before I get too into the whole thing , lets just say its interesting times ahead.

In case you have been on the moon or something , you won't have failed to notice that the spotlight has turned to the Chinese this month , with them hosting the Olympics and all. Everyone has been sharpening their opinions on this one . Sport and politics , should they be separate? Is it right to watch the Olympics what with the talk of human rights ( or lack of them )???

As a child I was always fascinated by mysterious China, it was as inaccessible and mysterious as a far off galaxy. It seemed so rich in culture and history. All those people, big walls, Emperors, mad eating stories, martial arts , the mind boggled. China has indeed got a rich history and were seemingly civilised long before many others. They are a smart bunch and worked out loads of stuff like paper, printing, gunpowder, paper money and so much more . They always seem to have been at each others throats though , and with so many people in such a small space life was never going to be easy. Brutality seems to have been a thread that runs through its history , and continues to this day. With over 1.2 billion people , China has about one in 5 of all the people on the earth. It is emerging from its self imposed closure and rising up to look the world in the eye ,and for China these games are their way of telling the worl that they have arrived at the top table. The economy knows no limits, miracles are performed, money pours in from every nation , eager to have a slice of their newly baked super pie. Communism seems to have taken a lesser role in the minds of the people who are a little freer to express what they want and it comes in the form of things, gadgets, cars, houses. There are global shortages on copper, steel wood and other resources as China imports raw materials and exports cheaply made goods . We love the Chinese and their effect on the economy don't we? Well unless you try really hard you will be buying stuff made in China. Probably because its cheaper . You may wonder to yourself how is it so cheap? And joke about slave labour. While the Tibetans get all the attention for having their country ripped apart by the hunger of a greedy nation seeking to control key strategic land , and the Chinese get bad publicity for endorsing the despotic regimes of others (think Myanmar, Sudan etc) people seem to forget that there are millions of Chinese themselves that are treated disgustingly by their own government.

We have all heard of Gulags right? Concentration camps? Well how many have heard of the Laogai? No ? Nor had I . Thanks to Shooie for the loan of the book " 18 LAYERS OF HELL Stories from the Chinese gulag " by Kate Saunders. I'll get it back to you soon .

LAOGAI : No not a chap from Vientiane

literally reform through labour. http://www.laogai.org/hdbook/hb_intro.htm . A brainchild of that master of fucking with peoples heads Mr Mao Zedong. Want to control people? I mean really control them? Then make money from them. Having read accounts from brave souls that have been there I can assure you that these places are not so much places of reform as much as places where people are sent to be worked to death. Approximately 8 - 10 million Chinese people are currently being reformed for such crimes as ...... hell you dont need a crime. Just get them to sit in a cell , no stand in a cell , no stand on one leg and dont move in a cell for days on end , then isolate them , then electrocute them and beat them to near death , revive them , beat them again and repeat , and they will confess to anything. Now set them to work . If one dies , replace one. If two die , replace two. They are only people after all. Their families don't even know where they are half the time. Cant turn out his quota of stuff for the UK order? Just kill him . Bullets are expensive . Just beat him to death. Replace him. NEXT. This is their justice system . Where you end up for being anti party , pro Tibet , a bigamist, idiot in love or just someone that was unlucky on the day. Its where those figures come from to show how China executes more of its own people each year than all the rest of the world combined. And those are just the official figures. And these are its own people. At least they have moved on a little and no longer send a bill to the family for the bullet that smashed the life out of a loved ones skull from behind. Always from behind. I guess that's their version of human rights reform.

I could be controversial and say that the Tibetans are getting some Karma for taking the land by force in the first place and crying now its happening to them. (Yes , there are militant Buddhists . ) But that was a good few years ago and you would hope that we might have learned a thing or two since then. The Tibetans it seems are dead unlucky to be right between Russia, India and China. A region much needed by all for its richness in mineral wealth and strategic military placement. The Chinese though have been spectacularly cruel though these past few decades. Getting people to dance jigs on dead children or parents and smile like they enjoy it . On pain of torture and death. Flooding the country with ethnic Chinese and doing all they can do exterminate any traces of Tibetan culture. One wonders who will be next? Surely the cutting off of women's breasts or electrocution of ones testicles is a little much these days for not confessing your crimes against the state or just being stupid enough to not like someone beating your family to death in front of you . A stickler might argue that its comeuppance time , but the crime against humanity in Tibet ( as in many parts of the world ) is pretty sickening.

Surprisingly , in all my life I have only had one Chinese friend. Xie Fe was his name. I wanted to go visit him on my travels but we forgot to exchange means of communication (as you do.) For the record Xie Fe or Jerry as he tried to be called was one of the nicest people I have ever met. A K.P. at work he was always good humoured and was loved by all. Seriously. He had a feel good factor all his own. Worked like a demon, made great tea ( you would hope so ) and was charming throughout. I loved the way he gave a little bow to everyone he met and inquired after your news diligently. I could go on and on , but the point I think I'm trying to make is that there are 2-300 000 000 party members in China. That leaves about 900 000 000 potentially lovely Jerry's getting shafted by the commies too , 9 000 000 or so of whom are locked up enduring 18 layers of hell and 'being reformed.' The Olympics deserves to be boycotted if your an anti communist , watched for the incredible spectacle it is if your a sports fan ( or just like seeing Paula Radcliffe crying) . Its inevitable of course that people will shout the cause of the Tibetan people (but less so the other ethnic groups the Chinese are oppressing) and that should be their right. My real hope for the Olympics is that the world does look China in the face , see how horrible it is to its people and maybe something good will happen for the forgotten 900 000 000 under the rule of a bunch of for want of a better phrase , despotic ,inhumane , arseholes , who no doubt see the whole thing as having their cake and eating it. Tibet I fear has all but been wiped from the map. Watch out everyone else.

P.s. Odds on Paula Radcliffe crapping herself in London 2012 anyone ????

GOD. What a dick !

Yes yes yes Mr God. Perhaps that is their fault for not being quite to your liking ya big bawbag. Involved in worshipping other gods , not being Christian enough for you . Tsk Tsk Tsk. When will they ever learn.

If you've got this far , you might remember that last month I invited God to the arena where I did my best to insult him/ her / it and invoke some divine blasphemy law that would have me struck down by lightning. I also said I would read up on the Bible and give you my thoughts. Since then I've had not a squeak from the sky fairy himself. Not even a yellow card for my nonsense. I have also noticed that it took a bunch of law lords to officially take blasphemy off the statute book of British laws . Just as well . If I'd written what I had earlier in the year I would have been breaking the law. Mental or what. Anyway , now that its OK to be blasphemous I'd just like to take this opportunity to call God a Dick. A Cocksucker of the highest order. My reading of Genesis adds weight to my opinion that this fictional character that everyone is so up about was not only a lazy knob , but a bit thick , misogynistic and incredibly biased toward the Jews. I wonder who wrote it now. Hmmmmm ???? Ahem. This book that is the so called basis of our morality , without which we would all be murdering, incestuous , rapists with a bent for infanticide , sodomy , general bad treatment of women and non Jews. Wait a minute......... whats that ? the Bible is full of such stuff . Never. Its such a good book no?

God it seems had it all sussed out. In the beginning he must have been bored with all that nothing going on. With the power to do anything he created a vast universe and put a teeny tiny wee planet in it , decided it was a bit dark so he put some lights in , then added features such as water, and eventually added a bit of life to the project with some animals. There was a lovely offer on them at the universe shopping mall in heaven that day I imagine. Time for a rest now . It was all going swimmingly and god himself probably thought Laurence Llewellyn Bowen was on his way round to do a piece for channel 4 on the spectacular design of the Fjords or something when his great creation Man started acting up. Cant turn your back for a minute eh? Bloody faulty goods . See what he did wrong was to make a woman from man. Now the woman , easily led so they are , got chatting to a snake ( uhuh ) who told her to eat an apple and got hubby to have some too. Bad people. Well bad her actually . Adam seems to have got off lightly. Anyway , it was the snakes fault. As punishment , God decided to wreck all future humans chances of a decent life , and womens in particular, making them endure childbirth and being ruled over by their men folk forever. All cos of one wee mistake . Bloody women eh? Having lost their innocence , Adam and Eve wasted no time in getting right to it and soon had 2 boys. ( makes one wonder where the next generation came from ) and Cain decided to kill Abel over some jealous thing. Ripping start there God . Fucked up right from the off. Were you asleep? High on drugs? Off shagging the mysterious women that must have existed to produce more babies? Keeping them quiet eh? Sly bugger. God seems to spend a fair bit of time on the job from here on in as the whole thing quickly descends into anarchy . He only seems to pop up to advise people to murder others in his name, generally smite every living thing or just try to make our lives into a divided and hostile shit heap. What a guy . Quick , fetch me a prayer mat I wanna prostrate myself and give my life to him. No no I mean it , spread the word, we must worship this dude . He's the man .

Anyway as a replacement for Abel god gave the unfortunate couple Seth and after a lot of begetting and flesh based tomfoolery we had Noah and his magic boat. God , a little upset at our antics of the flesh decided to hell with it. Out of his drunken stupor he came , very wroth indeed at creating us , and decided to kill everything in a massive flood. Innocents and all. Life it seemed wasn't as god wished it to be. Strikes me as a bit of an oversight to kill everything off but keep everything at the same time by giving Noah exact instructions on how to keep life going. . Toys and pram come to mind here. Anyway after a mighty bender lasting 40 odd days and nights god did dry the earth again and set life off again just as before. Noah and his family got right down to it and started their begetting again . a mere 10 or 11 generations later we get to Lot. Being the son of the son of the son of the son of the son of the son oh about 20th generation after Adam , 10 generations after Noah , he was one of gods chosen ones. I find much of Genesis pretty confusing and a little dull in places but Lot gets the best , most jaw dropping bits of all. In amongst all the bloodletting, tent pitching, wife selling , begetting and altar making , Lot , residing in Sodom , has 3 guys round his place. Genesis, Chapter 19 , verse 1 -9 outlines how the residents of Sodom wanted these cute guys bums for a bit of rumpy. Lot being the god chosen good guy he is says no way to assembled masses. Have my virginal daughters instead for your wicked pleasures??? And he is a good guy. Eventually the girls are saved the gang rape ( no thanks to dad ) and the family leaves while the guys totally wreck the place . As reward for his goodness god turns his wife into a pillar of salt for looking back at the smoke. A tad harsh there perhaps. It just so happens that Lot , after a while is too old to move much but his daughters ply him with drink and take turns to seduce him in a cave ( try telling that to a modern court) , impregnating themselves with their fathers seed. And people wonder why I'm none too fond of this so called god chap and his best seller. In short I don't claim to really understand the book much . Other than a document supporting Jewish claims to the holy lands , a genealogy backing it up and the setting of the scene for gods mighty plan ( we are all bad and must suffer till he decides to save us and not before) it really is a murderous and horrid place to begin. Oh well. No wonder in Exodus they all decided to leave . So , no truth found, god still a prick , lets eat .

Oh , and to anyone thinking I must be mad for coming out with this stuff, just go look at Fundamentalist Christian America. It might come across as a bit Talibany to you . Scares the shit out of me. In gods name people keep killing so I figure the sooner we all realise he's not there the better.

Tom yum kung.

At home you can buy a little cube , pop it into boiling water , add prawns and coriander leaf and hey presto. Tom yum kung. Whilst getting pissed in my cousin Pha Yao's restaurant , and making an arse of myself I took it upon myself to persistently ask her to teach me to cook . Probably much to her annoyance as I can be quite boring like that when plastered. The only thing I knew how to say in Thai was Tom Yum Kung and so it was that after getting Mr B to arrange a time I got my first lesson in Issan Thai cooking. And not a stock cube in sight . I know I said I was going to do Papaya salad for Seraph and Rob and guys, I made an excellent start . All was going swimmingly till MIL came round and took over and ruined my 'take' . It is nearly 'in the can' though and is the best place to start so I promise I will have it up first thing next time. OK? Anyway , Pha Yao was seemingly a little nervous , Keen to impress no doubt. (Us chefs can be funny like that) . A lovely chap was sent for by one member of staff to translate due to my embarrassing lack of Thai. Another was sent off to get prawns in the market. The effort she went to was really very impressive. ( us chefs can be like that sometimes) and with water boiling on the wok burner I had to snap fast to keep up .

On the left you can see the ingredients. Shallots , galangal, ( a type of ginger) , lime leafs, garlic salt ,whole Thai chilli, chilli paste and lemon grass. Chopped tomato ,mushrooms, coconut milk, sugar, MSG and lime juice. On the right the boiling water is infused with the first 7 ingredients for about 2 or 3 minutes,

The broth is checked now for heat , seasoning and sourness is added with the lime juice. a swirl of coconut adds body and velvet to the soup. Next in go the tomatoes and mushrooms, more or less to warm through , and finally , when you are happy with the taste, the prawns get scalded in the tasty bath.

The whole lot is now served over some spring onion and lots of fresh coriander and munched preferably with friends and a nice Beer close by . The other dish is Tom Yum Pla. which is the same but without the paste or coconut and with catfish instead of prawns. Both very delicious.

Waiter Phi Noi I include here sharing the soup . Deep in thought wondering just how heavy falangs are. It was he who looked after me when I collapsed on his watch and tried to pick me up off the floor. He is a lovely chap and single too ladies... Seen on the right delivering Lana from her first shift at the salad station . Or maybe they were chariot racing . Let me know if the soup method is good for you too . So simple and yet so tasty and ready in about 8 minutes.

MORGAN.

To all his fans out there , I leave this till nearly last . Morgan was out today in his sexiest jumpsuit charming the arses off the tiny ladies at the Index shopping mall in Udon Thani . He has 4 teeth now and he never misses an opportunity to flash them by dishing out his massive cheesy smiles. Very mobile too he has completed his first ascent of Dad and Mums bed ( wee bollocks ) and is up to about 500 m.p.h. ( metres per hour) on all fours. His kingdom includes the castle under the table and he repels all invaders, Mums and all. . Take that Miaw . You too Mum.

His secretary resigned last week over allegations that Morgan was just too active on the dating scene here in Nongkhai. I've never heard anything so absurd. But the burds do love him like . Wee tart . And with a bum that cute , well who can blame them?

For me undoubtedly the best thing about life here is watching this little un and his sister grow. As a Chef I missed out on so much of Lana's earliest moments. The smiles, the standing and walking, the playing and laughs. Caring for children is so different to running a kitchen , even though it's tempting to say I used to have 17 kids , now I'm down to two. In itself it was a bit of a shock , but I know its something I'll never regret. Even if I had to work for the rest of my life and die penniless cos I spent my money doing this. Pensions and careers can sit in line and wait their turn . I'm lucky to be able to get my priorities straight . And lucky for every one of the times that Morgan or Lana fall asleep on me , hug me , puke up or wipe their nose on my shirt ,come crying to me or just share a coconut.


			Besides, Morgan needs all the help he can get. It's not easy being this cute all the time. All those women eventually take their toll.

GARDEN

Being me, I could go on and on and on but feel I should let you all go back to work , study , your families by ending soon. Growing up in the West Highlands of Scotland , I developed a healthy interest and respect for nature. It is what I love most about my time in the garden here ( cos nothing I plant is growing ) and keep coming across stuff that keeps me amused. from big clouds and rainbows , to caterpillars and flowers. Here are some pics of my immediate surroundings sometimes in vivid digital macro. They tend to speak for themselves so , Ill try to STFU and let you enjoy them.

Of course some things are growing, under my watchful eye.

From top left going clockwise we can see Italian basil , rosemary , lemon grass ,mint and chinese celery in the raised bit, my only surviving runner bean, young coconut trees and papaya with galangal, my experimental plot of peas, turnips , rocket and sunflowers, a longan tree and finally a rambutan tree . Like the Olympics , it's not the success that matters , it's the taking part. And I seem to be getting the hang of it. Slowly.

Well that's all for this time. Hope to have given you food for thought , a few laughs and maybe something new. next month I will probably continue my hatred of god , share more cooking and try to sum up my first six months in Thailand concentrating on the cultural differences. Should be exciting. By that time China will have conquered the Olympic games and proved their dominance over the Yanks. Their next moves could make the Russians in Georgia look like playground bullies. God ( or one of the commies ) may have popped round to put arsenic in my tea. Hope not.

Hope all is well with all of you

Rupert.

P.S. If Paul Gadd is let loose in Thailand I'm organising a kitty to hire a hit man . Donations shouldn't be needed. Luckily for him the dear British government are just desperate to look after him and there is no way he will be allowed anywhere else. Perhaps there is a use for the Laogai after all . What's the Chinese premiers phone number anyone????? Kids of the world, if a nasty man with evil eyes and a weird beard asks you " D'ya wanna be in my gang , my gang , my gang ,.D'ya wanna be in my gang oh yeah?? " or offers you late night English lessons, just say no.