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What do I love
about England? |
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Let me take you back to a real scene. It is June, my
daughter's birthday in fact, and close to the
longest day. I am sitting on the terrace of a
restaurant overlooking the river at a point where it
is more than half a mile wide. A small road
separates the terrace on which I sit from the bank
of the river, which is delineated by a waist high
concrete wall. Occasional traffic passes slowly
along the road, predominantly light motorbikes which
are almost inaudible. Most riders are young, most
often two boys or two girls together for an evening
cruise along the side of the river, but sometimes
the riders are a boy and a girl. Less often it is an
older couple, most often with one or two children
out for a ride, taking the evening air. Of those
riders who look in my direction, most give me a
smile of acknowledgement. |
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Not one of the riders wears a helmet, not all of the
lights on the motorbikes are working, but nobody
(including the police) makes a fuss, because
everybody is happy enjoying the warmth of the June
evening. A bicycle passes bearing two teenage girls,
both make eye contact with me and return my smile
with a lovelier version of their own. The scene is
idyllic. On the far bank of the river, lights
twinkle. They are the lights of a foreign country.
That country is Laos, and I am
in Thailand. |
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You can't really imagine the scene I described
taking place in England, can you? Well yes you can,
but it was the England of 100 years ago, not the
England of today! For me England has lost
'something', and that something is encapsulated in
the scene I described. I believe that England is the
poorer for the loss. |
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 As good as
life in Nongkhai is, it is not without its frustrations. As
Nigel (right) so succinctly put it recently, "When you live in
Nongkhai, other people know you are going to fart before you
know yourself." My
first real experience of being talked about (gossip) was when I lived in a sleepy
Suffolk village situated on the river Lark. I had just split
up with my wife Susan, and spent weekdays working in London,
and weekends in the village. At least one evening each
weekend was spent in the company of a married couple Lee and
Gill, but sometimes Lee would go out leaving me alone with
Gill, while at other times it would be Gill who went out
while Lee and I stayed home. Eventually a rumour went round
half the village that I was having an affair with Gill. This
was matched by the
 rumour that went round the other half
of the village that I was having an affair with Lee. I found
these rumours especially amusing since both were wrong. The
truth
was that I was having an affair with a very attractive
married woman, and the wonderful irony was that her husband belonged to the half of the
village that thought I was gay. He had
no problem with his wife spending afternoons and evenings at my
house since he "knew" that I was gay, while I had no problem
with what he "knew", as it allowed me to meet his wife
with mutually satisfying frequency. |
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I mention the
Suffolk story, because last year almost identical rumours
circulated Nongkhai. Back in
part 24 Dr José (above) settled the matter by diagnosing that I am as straight as he, (does
anyone doubt that Dr José is straight). But despite the good doctor's
diagnosis, the wagging tongues of
Nongkhai have resumed, this time with a new twist. As Ian has
moved in next door to me, the current rumour is that we are
both gay. I suppose the fact that Dan my friend of more than 40
years and visiting from UK was also staying in my house,
simply added fuel to the stories. The three of us got
together to laugh about the rumours and came up with the
response pictured right. So if yours is one of the wagging
tongues, the message is for you, if you have the wit to
understand it! |
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What are you
like? A Simple Test for
You |
This
will only take a minute! The following test was
developed by a combination of top U.S. and European
psychologists. The results are extremely accurate in
describing your personality with one simple
question.
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Which is your favourite
Teletubbie? |
| A |
Yellow |
| B |
Purple |
| C |
Green |
| D |
Red |
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As you might
expect the profile differs according to whether you are male
or female. Here is the profile for women. |
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A. If you
chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are bubbly and cheerful.
People come to you when troubled because you always make
them feel better about themselves. You are apt to clash with
Red Teletubbie people. |
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B. If you
chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are active and erratic. You
have many ideas and set high standards for yourselves and
others. Stay away from Green Teletubbie people, they tend
to bring you down. |
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C. If you
chose the Green Teletubbie. You are calm and reliable.
Family plays a major role in your life and you often
sacrifice your needs to please others. Yellow Teletubbie
people are a good match for you. |
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D. If you
chose the Red Teletubbie. You are bold and emotional. You
are fierce in your opinions and quick to anger, but stick by
your friends through thick and thin. Purple and Red
Teletubbie people are an explosive combination. |
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And here is the profile for men: |
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A. |
If you chose the
Yellow Teletubbie. |
You are gay. |
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B. |
If you chose the
Purple Teletubbie. |
You are gay. |
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C. |
If you chose the
Green Teletubbie. |
You are gay. |
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D. |
If you chose the
Red Teletubbie. |
You are gay. |
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Spookily, when
I received this test via email, my reaction to the question
was that I don't have a favourite Teletubbie, so I made no
choice. Thus, faced with my defining answer to this
precision test, and coupled
with Dr José's diagnosis, I am resigned to acceptance of the
fact that I can't be gay, not even bi, I am just boring
straight. My only consolation is that the gossips of
Nongkhai know better, and at least in their eyes I am a worthy
subject! As Oscar Wilde reportedly said, "If there is one
thing worse than being talked about, it is not being talked
about!" |
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In this
episode you will see a lot of photos of Dan with different
women, but in none of them is he happier than in this shot
with Bok, the girl he first met when we came here on holiday
in 1997. In Dan's words, "she is the only Thai woman that I
have ever met that I would consider settling down with".
Bok
lives in Rayong, so it was there we headed to see her,
taking with us Bok's niece Wan. Rayong has a fabulous
unspoilt almost deserted sandy beach, with little
development. We enjoyed two days on the beach, during which
time Dan and Wan posed for this photo. |
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Leaving Rayong
for Nongkhai, we stopped overnight in Pattaya, where Dan
insisted on dining at his favourite restaurant ( above
right). As you may spot, it is handily placed in the
forecourt of a 7/11 shop (where you buy your drinks). For
Dan its greatest attribute is that it is very very cheap.
After eating our meal, we were returning to our hotel when
Dan met Noy (above centre) with whom he spent a pleasant
evening. |
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Leaving Wan
and Noy behind in Pattaya, we drove to Nongkhai, where naturally we dined at Oy's Flamingo
restaurant, on this occasion in the company of Ian. Below
left Dan enjoys a cuddle from Oy, while in the centre Ian
looks a little uncertain.
This must prove he is gay! But
wait, I know that he's not, and that he secretly harbours the hots for Oy. From the look on her face
it is clear that she
has strong feelings about Ian too, and appreciates that
Ian is not gay. |
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It is a fact
that on hearing of Ian's lust for Oy, a malicious gossip
went to the trouble of phoning Oy to tell her that Ian had a
Laos girlfriend! So according to which brand of gossip you
listen to in Nongkhai, Ian is either gay or has a Laos
girlfriend! Such a shame that some people have nothing
better to do with their time, as neither tale is true. Above
right not content with Noy from Pattaya, Dan spends an
evening with Noy from Nongkhai. Admittedly Noy is one of the
common names for a girl in Thailand. |
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If you have
been counting that makes five different women pictured with
Dan so far (and Dan wearing the same jumper every time). So
as an intermission in the saga of Dan's women, here is some
news (not gossip) from Nongkhai. Glen's Outback Bar is
currently closed for major reconstruction. Glen says that it
will look completely different, and will reopen next week
(the last week of June). I haven't been following the
football currently on, but Glen has said that there will be
free beer
every day for a month (subject to minor conditions) when
(that is when, not if) Australia wins the World Cup.
Come on OZ!!! |
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Above right
the actual piece of paper bearing the signature of Mr Kenny.
I wanted a photo of me holding the paper aloft at the top of
a set of aircraft steps, while I cried "Beers in our time!",
but the airline didn't understand the reference. I hope
however that you do, but if you don't, let me know and I'll
join the dots for you. |
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Apart from the
photo on the beach when he took the jumper off because it
was so stinky, the centre photo above is the only photo of
Dan in a different top. Centre and right are two pictures of
Dan with men. This must
prove Dan is gay! But wait, both Kim
(centre) and
Franz (right) are married! This must prove
they are both bi! Again all completely untrue of
course, but why let a simple matter like truth interfere
with gossip? |
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I have
reported my own efforts to influence who rents the house
next to me. Kim has taken this idea one step further,
and has arranged that friends of his buy the plots of land
surrounding his house. So centre picture above, Dan and Kim
survey the best plot, bought by Per and Gwen ( their
pictures in part 31 ). |
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It turns out
that Franz was a professional
helicopter pilot, making him the first genuine
helicopter-man that I've met in Thailand, despite being
known by that name myself at one time. Returning to Nongkhai
news, another dramatic development is the change of
management at the Meeting Place. Below left is a picture
taken when Paul had a party at his new house. Jeff (no
mates) is seated, directing Giulio, Greg, Nigel and myself
where to relocate a table. Apparently Paul was so impressed
by the managerial skills exhibited by Jeff, that Jeff is
taking over the management of the Meeting Place. Hand in
hand with that move, Giulio is to take over the running of
the food side of the Meeting Place. Next month I will be in
culinary heaven, alternating between the menus of the two
'G's' - Guilio and Glen. |
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Right, Dan has a
friendly grope of the jolly green giant, note Dan is still
wearing that same jumper, while far right, one of the very
few to escape Dan's attention. I wonder what is her secret? |
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Meanwhile, back at the saga, it
was time to leave Nongkhai, but before leaving, and still
wearing that jumper, Dan posed left with Dott. From Nongkhai
we headed west along the bank of the Mekhong for about 150
km to Chiang Kan, where we turned south for Loei. In Loei
Dan met Nan right and spent a happy evening with her. |
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The next day
we headed for Nakhon Sawan and Banphot Phisai where last
year (in part 21 ) Dott and I
had visited Lee and Amnway, who at that time was very
pregnant. (And yes it is the same Lee that I knew in
Suffolk, and wrote about above.) |
| From Lee and Amnway, we
returned to Pattaya where Dan was reunited with Noy, and
then headed to Rayong to stay on that lovely beach again. |
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Above left Dan
and Noy on the beach at Rayong, while centre and right Noy
in playful mood. Yes that is an elephant in the distance
over Dan's shoulder. Left, still in that jumper, dancing
with girl number ten on the beach at Rayong. She confided to
Dan that she wanted someone to give her English lessons. |
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In the last
episode I wrote a lot about Chris and Gemma. They are
currently back in England, working very hard to establish
their various enterprises. When we were together, they
confided that they have a fallback plan, in which Chris will
be a blind karaoke singer, and Gemma will lead him through
the streets collecting tips. |
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After three
days in Rayong, Dan and I headed to Bangkok, where I took my
leave from him and headed back to Nongkhai, but not before I
got a photo of Dan with girl number eleven, and with Dan
still wearing that same jumper. Apparently the saga
continued, with yet more girls, and Dan oversleeping with
one of them and narrowly avoiding missing his flight. When
he got back to England, he found his kitchen overrun by
ants! Best get back to Thailand Dan, at least here you're
only overrun by women!! |
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Despite the
work in progress at the Outback Bar, customers have not been
put off dropping in. I managed to get this photo of Big
Dougie and family in the middle of the building site. I hope
to have more photos in the next episode of the completed project.
Jeff is also
promising changes in decor at the Meeting Place, but not I
think on quite the same scale, so with any luck I'll be able
to write about them too. |
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OK that's enough for this
episode. I think that I've said enough on the subject of Nongkhai
gossip. Talk as much as you like, but why make up lies? Next
episode I will write about the changes at the Outback Bar
and the Meeting Place, I hope I'll have some more pictures
of my grandson, plus of course anything else that I
think might amuse or interest you. |
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If you want to write to us, but you don't know
our personal email addresses, you can email us at
mail@nongkhai.co.uk
Best Wishes to
all our readers Tony and Dott 
P.S. Doughnut says 'Woofs
to all readers' and kisses to Kim.
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To view
all previous episodes move your
mouse cursor over this big
yellow button and left click |
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