Published     22 September 2004

The Nongkhai Narrative (Pt. 9)

yo Dudes! Yes I doughnut am back! Gr!

And about time too I hear you cry. This episode we're going to have lots of photos of ME. So here I am standing on my back legs waiting for Tot to drop that tasty tissue, so that I can tear it limb from limb. I couldn't get rid of that stupid picture of a c** completely, but I have managed to reduce it in size. What was it doing here anyway? As far as I'm concerned c**s are only good for one thing  which is chasing, and tearing limb from limb. OK that's two things that they're good for, barking at, chasing, and tearing limb from limb. Oh gosh! That's three things isn't it? Right so the three things c**s are good for are stealing their food, barking at, chasing and tearing limb from limb. Oh I give up, I've run out of legs to count with anyway.

You'll know from the last episode that it was Kim's birthday on 6th. Here he is opening the present that I gave him. I was pleased to see that he had read my fashion suggestion and wore a different shirt for this special occasion, although I suspect that it may have been seen before. If only he could be like Ou who has something new every time I see her. As Kim appears to be so short of shirts it seemed only natural to buy him a new one. I think that this one (below) is especially good looking, mainly because it was chosen by ME. I was pleased that my efforts were rewarded when we went out to eat with Kim, Ou and May later in the week, as Kim was proudly wearing his new shirt. If only he would try those red bows in his hair, I'm sure he would love them.

I decided that I needed a holiday, so I went down to Gut Chup, just outside Udonthani and stayed with Bombim (Tot's niece) for a few days. Tony and Tot were allowed to borrow the car, as I had no need of it, and Tot wanted to go to the seaside. They went off were a week, staying in Nakhon Ratchasima, Pattaya and Chonburi. Doesn't sound like fun to me, but they seemed happy enough. I found staying here in the country quite different to living in Nongkhai. For one thing there were lots of chickens to chase, lots of other dogs for company, and all sorts of interesting things to smell. Yes living in the countryside is definitely far busier and far more interesting than living in the city. I shall definitely suggest to Tony and Tot that we move out of boring Nongkhai, but I'm not confident that they will listen to me. They can be quite wilful at times.

I remember when they first came into my possession about 3 dog years ago. I was just a young blade at the time, staying with some of my siblings in a dog hotel in Udonthani. Tony and Tot walked in with their friends Nathan and Jo. Tony picked me up so that I could get a closer look at him and Tot. Tot seemed very nice and had a lovely smile, but I wasn't so keen on Tony, and I suspect that he has a secret liking for the enemy. (I am not going to use the 'c**' word here). Between you and I, my first choice was Nathan and Jo (pictured right) but they didn't have a house to live in. They are a lovely couple, but were living a nomadic life, always moving from place to place and country to country, so I decided to go and live with Tot (and Tony), and arranged to move out of the hotel that day. Tony kindly paid the hotel bill which looking back seemed quite expensive considering that conditions could at times be atrocious, it was almost as if we were living like animals in cages. I think that he paid it to keep ME (and Tot) happy. Nathan took this photo of ME (above) checking out of the hotel. I did like Nathan and Jo, and do wonder where they are now? Have they found a country to stay in, or are they still travelling? I hope that they will find a nice dog to adopt them.

'PADS' in Nongkhai

Despite strenuous efforts by Tony and Ian, Physiognomy Acquisition Deficiency Syndrome PADS can still be found in Nongkhai. Contagion hotspots seem to be Andrew's Bar and The Meeting Place. Here is Robert (right), the latest victim, pictured in Andrew's bar. Robert is recovering slowly from the syndrome and now can recognise Tony when he is accompanied by Tot, but still struggles when Tony is alone.

Other recognition techniques employed by different people vary from Andrew's "Ian has bigger ears", to Nigel's "Ian has smaller teeth". Miss Benz (left) is apparently very familiar with both Ian and Tony, and says that she has no difficulty distinguishing between them. However her particular means of recognition won't be available to most readers, so it is perhaps best not to reveal here exactly what she found bigger, or even who was the possessor. I think that some sympathy for sufferers is in order, as even Tony's mother has admitted difficulty distinguishing between Ian and Tony.

To aid recognition, here is Ian (left) and Tony (right).   Ian's alleged diet and weight loss continues. He now claims to be 81 kg, but once again there is no independent corroboration. In Tony's absence I, Doughnut the Devious appointed Kaptain Kilo of the Weight Police to investigate the matter. Even the Kaptain was unable to penetrate the weighty veil surrounding the precise amount of Ian's substance, but during his research he stumbled across an amazingly well-kept secret.

Subsequent super-sleuthing by ME, Doughnut the Detective (here I am left  keeping surveillance from the undergrowth) has finally uncovered a shocking web of intrigue with Ian at it's heart. You will recall that Ian lives alone, wears glasses, and at times has been described as 'quiet' and 'mild-mannered'. But at other times he can also be extremely elusive, and will disappear for hours or even days at a time. Now think back to those Superman movies. Wasn't Clark Kent also described as 'quiet' and 'mild-mannered', didn't he wear glasses and live alone, and why did nobody spot that Clark Kent could never be found when Superman was around?

I know that it's hard to believe, but "Ian" as we know him is leading a double life!! The mild mannered Oz trying to diet, with whom we are familiar is just his cover. As always, with the benefit of hindsight it now seems obvious, but what alerted me to the deception was the visit to Nongkhai by the Prime minister of Thailand, Dr Shinawatra Taksin (estimated wealth ₤1.4 billion). 

I Doughnut the Detective have pieced together the startling truth, and it now emerges that behind the "Ian" facade lies Super Speculator Sheppard, also known as Triple S (see picture right).  Triple S's activities as a super speculator generate so much revenue for Thailand, and are so important for the Thai economy, that the Prime Minister came here to Nongkhai solely to visit him at his hotel. This is the reason why every hotel guest except Triple S was excluded from the hotel, and why security was so much in evidence. The two richest men in Thailand were meeting! Not even the Governor of the Province met the PM. Now you can see why "Ian" could be so elusive, he literally disappeared when he became his real self Triple S.  Not surprisingly Triple S declined to be interviewed, and claimed over the phone that it was just a co-incidence that he was the only person allowed to stay in the hotel for the PM's visit, but Doughnut the Detective is not so easily fooled.

Evidence is now emerging that Triple S may have employed a body double to be seen around Nongkhai wearing "Ian's" clothing, and it is this mystery body double who is the cause of PADS in Nongkhai. 

Compare these two pictures. It is alleged that "Ian" is on the left while Tony is on the right. Now look at the picture of Triple S above. No way could you mistake "Ian" for Triple S. Now look again at these two pictures. Isn't it the same person in both pictures? So it seems clear to me that Tony has been posing as Triple S's body double, using the name "Ian". No wonder people confused "Ian" and Tony, they are really the same person, and "Ian" doesn't actually exist. Another mystery solved by Doughnut the famous Dog Detective!

Red Swan Bar

Tony has asked me to apologise to Andrew for the unfortunate timing in part 8 of his comments about Wi's disappearance. It subsequently emerged that she had urgent family business, the details of which are not relevant here. So here is a nice photo of Andrew and Wi reunited. In part 8 Tony was also reporting that Nongkhai Police do sometimes come out at night and check on helmets. But in Chonburi last week, Tony and Tot witnessed an interesting variation in the application of the law. On one side of a junction there were the police waiting for riders without helmets, and on the other side were some bikes with only the driver wearing a helmet. The lights changed to green, but nobody was stopped. Further observation revealed that in virtually every case  only the driver wore a helmet, and as long as the driver wore a helmet, the police ignored the helmet less passengers. This is different to Nongkhai where everyone on a motorbike has to wear a helmet. So it would appear that somewhere between Chonburi and Nongkhai the law changes.  

The Meeting Place

The party at the Meeting Place was a great success, with free food, free beer, and a great atmosphere. Tony has put all the pictures on a separate page. If you want to view them use your mouse to press this button Glen (below) worked hard to produce some very tasty food, while Paul (right) worked hard on the Beer Chang girls.

During a visit later in the week Glen (left) was telling everyone about his slippery nipples. This sounded very exciting until he revealed that it is the name of a cocktail. I believe it is 50% Baileys at the bottom of the glass topped up with Cointreau. Here is Glen preparing his slippery nipples, which were then downed in one by Nick, Paul, Glen and Tony (below).

The re-located pool table now sees a lot of action, except when the Meeting Place played host to a wide range of nationalities for the F1 Grand Prix, at which time Glen thoughtfully provided some free snacks. The former pool room will re-open as a VIP lounge, so it too may be the scene of some exciting action, but we won't be able to watch as Paul is going to put up curtains. Spoilsport!

'More Schnu Schnu'

Back in part 8 Michael commented 'Tony you need more Italians', but in a recent dialogue between Tony and his daughter she said she wanted more 'schnu schnu'. If you are a fan of the cartoon series South Park, you may know what she is talking about.

I have no idea what they are talking about and I suspect that it's just an excuse for Tony to include a photo of his daughter and two grand-daughters.

Woofs to all my readers and kisses to Kim

Doughnut the Distinguished Dog Detective.  

P.S. Tony and Tot send best wishes to all MY readers everywhere.

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