Published 16 July 2004                 

Greetings!              

        Yes 'normality' is restored, but Doughnut's fans needn't despair, as he has his own section later. We are now at the height of the rainy season, with cloudy days, lots of rain, and the temperature in the mid 20's. In Issan we have only one crop of rice a year, and all around Nongkhai you see freshly transplanted fields of rice. Everywhere one looks is that fresh green of new growth. Even our Soi is starting to get overgrown, and I shall have to do some work with the machete.

But before I do that, a confession to all bird fanciers, and to some ornithologists too, that I had absolutely no knowledge of the existence of humming birds in Thailand. This changed at the beginning of this month when I was able to watch and photograph several such birds visiting a bush that overhangs my garden. The photo left is roughly life-size, and was taken late afternoon on Cara's birthday (5th). My neighbour (who would have had his photo here too but has especially asked to remain anonymous) has planted his garden with beautifully scented bushes and shrubs. When in flower our gardens are visited not only by these tiny humming birds, but by some much larger butterflies too. They did not appear disturbed by my presence, so I was able to get very close to them to take this photo. It was a truly wonderful moment.          

Instead of the photo of my anonymous neighbour, here is a picture of another of my neighbours, Virginia. She and I share a passion for Tolkien and Lord of the Rings,  and she went so far as to name her daughter Arwen. A beautiful name, but I wonder Jacqueline whether you would have thanked your mother and I had we bestowed that name upon you? In Nongkhai the third part of Lord of the Rings (The Return of the King) became available at the end of June on DVD, so naturally I bought it. Dtawt and I then watched the three parts over three consecutive evenings. We both enjoyed the 10 or so hours of the film, but I was just a little disappointed that some of my favourite parts of the book had to be left out. I'm thinking for example of Tom Bombadil, the fog on the barrow downs, and Galadriel's mirror when she holds up the ring Nenya. But on the plus side, it wasn't until I saw the flashback of Hugo Weaving as Elrond fighting alongside Isuldur some 3000 years ago yet looking unchanged as the Master of Rivendell today, that I truly understood the nature of his immortality. I have one question for any other Tolkien fan. We know that "Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky" were fashioned by the Dark Lord. Nenya is held by Galadriel, and Vilya by Elrond, but how did Gandalf come to have "the Third Ring, Narya the Great, and the stone upon it was as red as fire," as he is not an Elven-king but is a wizard.

Before leaving the subject of Lord of the Rings, I should just mention that there does now seem to be strong evidence that it is not a factual historical account at all, but is actually a work of fiction. It is even possible that it was promulgated by the Dark Lord himself, and his purpose was to lure us into a false sense of security that the One Ring had been destroyed. New photographic evidence (left) seems to show that it has been regained by him in his latest incarnation as the unelected leader of the most powerful nation the world has ever seen,* and is now wielding it in what he calls a 'War of Terrorism.'

*I quote from BBC World:-

"The United States is widely acknowledged as the world's main superpower, without equal in terms of military superiority, and products and cultures that have spread around the globe.  Despite President Bush's insistence that the US has no imperial ambitions, the word "empire" is increasingly being used by academics and pundits when talking about the country's role in the world."

Erratum: In referring above to the war currently being waged by Emperor Bush there was a typographical error. It should have read 'War on Terrorism'.

Doughnut's Corner  

Don't you think wash days are disgusting? Look what happens to me! I spend the best part of a week building up a protective layer of dirt, together with the homely scent that goes with it. Just when I get it perfect Dtawt takes me in the backyard and washes it all away, and I have to start all over again. It would be enough to make a lesser mortal give up, but I Doughnut the Doughty can take these setbacks in my stride! I had a setback of a different kind when that tiny kitten returned to the garden. We were having lots of fun running round and round together and I had just got it trapped in a corner, when it stopped dead in its tracks and started hissing. I didn't know what to make of it, had it got a puncture, or had its batteries run out? In the end I just left it and went back to my squeaky toys. At least they put up a decent fight when I growl at them! I'm sorry to have to report that Tony and Dtawt's deafness seems to be getting worse. Despite my barked reminders they seem to go out without me quite a lot, but I suppose that it does give me a chance to catch up on my emails with my friend Kim. I can always rely on him to make a fuss of me when we meet, and in between our meetings, we keep in touch by email. I must ask him what he does about washdays, and what squeaky toys he has, and I wonder if Ou tried those red bows I suggested in Kim's hair?                                      

In the last episode I mentioned Sao (left), and the fact that she is a good English speaker with a lovely sense of humour, and is better looking than this photo shows, so it is difficult to see why she remains single. Mao (right) is also in her 30's (just), and speaks very good English. Her photo speaks for itself. They both have good jobs, have been married to Thai men, but have no children. They are both a little disillusioned with Thai men and want to meet a kind, good looking farang with a generous heart, or as they put it to me, 'someone like Mr Tony'. Are there no good men out there looking for a genuine, decent, Thai woman? Are you paying attention Mr Elvin? By the way don't even think about it Mr Dan, these women are a class above the slappers you are inevitably attracted to and seem to go for.

Woofs to all my readers from Doughnut the Doughty. 

 (You can email me at doughnut_the_doughty@tonybrading.net )

Competition Answers and Winners

In the last episode, we included six photos, and a competition in two parts. In the first part you had to decide which of 6 candidates you would trust to run a bar in Nongkhai, and in the second part you had to decide which of the same six candidates actually run a bar in Nongkhai. The correct answers were as follows:-                  part one : none of them

part two : all of them.

Despite a paucity of entries, there were some with both correct answers, including one from a Mr L J Elvin, and another from a Mr I V Rapley. However the best answer to the tie-breaker question (What are you willing to offer the judges in order to win?) came from a Miss Sriraksa of Udonthani, so she has been awarded both prizes. She will be spending the three weeks in a top hotel in Nongkhai together with me, as soon as I come up with a good excuse to be away from home that long.

Complexities 

Regular readers will know that my Saturdays are spent at the Complex in Udonthani in the company of Colin, and Major John, pictured below with the current bar staff of three sisters. If my friend Dan wasn't smitten by 'O', he would probably want to check out the sister on the right. At the Complex the regulars are often joined by various like-minded souls when they are in Thailand. One such is Wee Jimmy, here pictured right dreaming of haggis one Saturday afternoon. Mr Hynds (for such is his name) was moved to telephone me from Grangemouth, Scotland at 5 a.m. GMT last Saturday while badly imitating a Pakistani accent. It took me a few seconds to place his voice, and enquire how I could help him. To my surprise and pleasure, he was motivated by nothing more than an attempt to catch me out, and an exchange of news. One piece of news that I sneakily withheld concerns The Major and his wife Phon (both pictured right). Last time Jimmy was at the Complex, he had ribbed John about his age and the likelihood of his firing 'blanks'. I think you can guess from the beam on the Major's face and the loose fitting dress worn by Phon, that far from firing 'blanks' he has hit the target, and she is pregnant and showing. Congratulations to them both. Incidentally Jimmy ranks No. 2 at ringing the bell in Harry's bar (Kai tops the chart), so I'm sure we'll be hearing it again when he returns in October. Who knows? Perhaps John will be persuaded to bring that hand out of his pocket and give the bell a ring too?

Also visiting the Complex, and stopping for a couple of beers was Peter and his wife Mon and daughter Monja. Peter says that this makes it easier to remember their names. I'd like to be rude about Peter's memory, or the fact that he comes from Switzerland, but as he supports Arsenal (Undefeated for the whole season and Champions!!), I can only say that he is clearly a man of good taste and judgement. A lesson there I think Harry!! 

We can no longer drink Carslberg at the Complex, because it is no longer brewed in Thailand. I understand that Carlsberg are going to court in London to sue their former Thai partners. This gives some comfort to those of us who also didn't quite get what we bargained for from our former Thai partners. It seems that the old adage 'If you want to make a small fortune in Thailand, come with a large one', applies not only to the likes of you and I, but also to very large corporations too. But don't think though it is only Thai people that will deceive you. Both my friend Steve of Steve's bar in Udonthani and my friend Ian have been 'ripped off' by two very plausible farangs purporting to be wealthy men.

From Episode 6 onwards there will be a 'Soapbox' corner where readers can have their moans published. Ian will try to kick this off with an exposé of one of these evil men. If anyone else wants to get up on the soapbox and share their grievances, please contact me via email at the address below.

PADS in Nongkhai

Michael Cane has moved from his riverside apartment to an apartment block at the rear of The Grand. For reasons known only to Michael, he was most anxious that I publish a photo of the lift doors. So there he is summoning the lift. Yes I suppose he does have a point, the doors are a fetching shade of pink! Meanwhile, here is a previous photo of Ian and I at Carsten's bar in Tha Sadet.  Ian you may recall is from Australia and never stops eating, while I am English and rarely eat. Notwithstanding the fact that we are so different Carsten confuses Ian and I, and has called me Ian, and Ian by my name. I wonder if this is a form of dyslexia? Instead of word blindness, could we call it facial recognition blindness, or maybe Physiognomy Acquisition Deficiency Syndrome, perhaps PADS for short? Does Carsten have PADS? Might it be infectious? I ask this because I know that when he isn't posing at lift doors Michael Cane frequents Carsten's bar (e.g. picture in episode 4). Has he caught PADS at Carsten's I wonder, because at Andrew's bar last week Michael said 'Hello Ian' to me. I thought that perhaps he was pulling my leg, and initially ignored it, but when asked what he thought of Doughnut's fashion tips, he replied that he hadn't yet seen Tony.  I decided that it might be insensitive to tell him that I was in fact Tony, so instead I borrowed 1000 baht from him and gave him an IOU in Ian's name. A shame that I later gave myself away when I didn't use the money to order food, and Michael eventually realised that I couldn't possibly be Ian, because I wasn't eating. Sadly I had to confess the truth and give him back the 1000 baht. To help Michael and Carsten in their battle with PADS, and anybody else who confuses us, I include a picture of myself (left) and a picture of Ian (right).                 Ian alleges that his diet continues, and he now claims to weigh in at 87 kg, but with his Howard Hughes style of life, no-one has been able to witness his attendance at the scales. Always in pursuit of the truth, we have been able to obtain the shot below from one of the overhead security cameras in Ian's bathroom. This appears to show Ian's weight is nearer to 94 kg than the 87 kg he claims. When asked to account for the apparent discrepancy, Ian explained that he had been wearing a thin pair of shorts at the time, and that he had deducted 7 kg for the weight of the shorts. Oh well that seems plausible then.

OK That wraps up this episode. Next episode I'll be including an item on recipes for Andrew, more photos from Ian's bathroom, and with luck could be writing the next episode from a hotel room with Miss Wijarunee.

Best wishes to all our readers everywhere Dtawt and Tony

P S from Dtawt

Doughnut, I liked your corner, but I didn't know that about you chasing the kitten. Also I think you are being a bit hard on Tony's best friend Dan, not all the girls he meets are slappers, that girl 'O' sounds very nice, (so it probably won't last), but I agree that Sao or Mao would be too good for him.